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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25851208">Launching Ships</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lorde_Shadowz/pseuds/Lorde_Shadowz'>Lorde_Shadowz</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Cornelius Fudge Bashing, Death Eater Bashing, Dolores Umbridge Bashing, Good Severus Snape, Interspecial Love Triangle; I'm Sure You Can Guess Why, Love Potion; Lots of Love Potion, Pranking Voldemort, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Severus Snape has a Sense of Humor (Gasp), Tearing Apart the "Inner Circle", Umbridge Gets Her Just Desserts, Voldemort Bashing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 05:54:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>20,680</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25851208</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lorde_Shadowz/pseuds/Lorde_Shadowz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The twins come out with a new line of love potions and spiked candies. Snape decides to take an unusual bribe. The Inner Circle cowers in terror. Let the ships sail...and let's hope they don't hit any icebergs.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alecto Carrow/Rodolphus Lestrange, Bellatrix Black Lestrange/Fenrir Greyback (one-sided), Cornelius Fudge/Lucius Malfoy, Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Lucius Malfoy/a white peacock, Other Ships on Request, Penelope Clearwater/Percy Weasley, Umbridge/Giant Squid/A Screwt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>51</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="xcontrast">
<p></p><div>
<p></p><div><p>Fred Weasley was not thinking about the fact that Love Poison would make a great product line for their fledgling mail-order business when he came up with the recipe. He was not even thinking about all the amusing pranks it could be used for. And he certainly didn't know that it would one day help end the war. No, all he was thinking about was adequately humiliating Umbridge.</p>
<p>That damn woman! Everything about her was nasty and saccharine and utterly repulsive, from her horribly unfashionable pink cardigans (pink everything, actually- even the inside of her office was horribly pink. It was as if she had wanted to be a princess when she was little and never grew out of it) to her toad-like mug and her condescending tone. Or it was the fact that she was about as competent at teaching as a baboon with a red backside. Or maybe it was the fact that she was making his honorary little brother writing lines in his own blood. Yeah, that would definitely do it, to.</p>
<p>He couldn't remember ever hating anyone as much as he hated her! Even Snape, their greasy-haired and snarky Potions teacher, was at least competent, if not at teaching. And the only torturing he did was making poor, maligned trouble-makers scrub cauldrons without magic in detention...</p>
<p>All the usual pranks didn't seem to cut it anymore. To be sure, it <em>was </em>fun to convince the house-elves to ensure there were a healthy dose of cockroaches in her food, or bribe Peeves with enhanced dungbombs to follow her around blowing raspberries when she tried to say anything. (Yes, that was his doing.) He and his brother, George, actually had a bet going, as to who could make the woman more miserable, and, for once in their lives, they were working separately. George was winning, and Fred couldn't stand that!</p>
<p>He had to try something drastic. No simple sticking charm on her pink lacy (gag) seat cushion would suffice anymore, not if he wanted to win the bet (and, more important, make her leave the castle so she could never again torture Harry or crush the spirits of enterprising young pranksters. But what? He turned back to his (carefully warded) prank notebook with a sigh; he had already tried most of these, and those he hadn't were either no good or had already been discussed with George (and were therefore off-limits). And then, on the last page, he found it.</p>
<p>He'd nicknamed the project "Love Poison" as a joke, because he'd been trying to (hypothetically only) come up with the ideal love potion. He was trying for a potion that was as powerful as amortentia, but more insidious- pale features, glazing eyes, and a non-stop obsession with the target would definitely tip those around him or her that there was a love potion at work. It also has to have a minimal odor or taste, so that it could be slipped into drinks, and it had to have an instant (or nearly instant) antidote, so that actual mistakes could be quickly rectified, and there has to be a specific, but easy, scan for it, since it was supposed to be hard to detect in the regular way.</p>
<p>It was one Hell of a project, but it would be a <em>perfect </em>way to win the contest, and to make Umbridge wish she'd never been born. Now all he needed was a way to test his enhanced recipe...</p>
<p>"Hey Harry?"</p>
<p>His honorary brother looked up from the textbook he'd been reading with tired green eyes. "Hey Fred," he responded.</p>
<p>Fred didn't even ask how he knew it was him. "Harry, can you help me? And keep it a secret?"</p>
<p>"What do you need?"</p>
<p>"I have a recipe for a potion that I want to try out."</p>
<p>"And?" Harry looked confused. "You know I'm hopeless at potions, and I'm not really on good terms with Snape, either. Do you want me to try to get detention with him so you can sneak into his lab, or..."</p>
<p>"No, no, nothing like that," Fred said, putting up his hands hastily. "No, I was wondering...is the basilisk still down in the Chamber of Secrets?"</p>
<p>"Yeah, I assume so. Why?"</p>
<p>"How do you get down there?"</p>
<p>"Um, you say 'open' in parselmouth to the tap in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom and slide down the pipe- it's really dirty- and then from there you have to go down a partially caved-in tunnel. When you get to the big doors at the end, say open again and it will open. It's in the main chamber down there- it's probably all rotted though. Do I want to know what you're planning?"</p>
<p>"Well, I'm going to bribe Snape to help me with a prank potion, to be used on Umbridge. Basilisk anything is worth more than his salary, you know..."</p>
<p>"Um, can you record the parseltongue or something? I'm really tired...and I have to study and finish my Transfiguration essay before detention tonight."</p>
<p>Fred's nostrils flared. "You have detention with that bitch? Again?"</p>
<p>"It's not that bad," Harry mumbled.</p>
<p>Fred gritted his teeth. He wanted to force-feed whoever had taught Harry that it was "not that bad" to be physically tortured by his own DADA teacher to Norberta the Norwegian Ridgeback. "Well, anyway, can you teach me how to say 'open'?</p>
<p>Harry frowned. "I can try..."</p>
<p>"Then please do," said Fred, taking out a self-inking quill and opening his notebook again.</p>
<p>"Ok..." Harry stuck his tongue between his lips, lost in thought. "You know I don't know how to do it deliberately...this could take some time. Open," he said. "There, did I get it?"</p>
<p>"No, that was English," Fred informed him.</p>
<p>"Hmm. Open. How's that?"</p>
<p>"Still English."</p>
<p>"Ssssshsssisisisehhh. Ssss sehhh shesstst?"</p>
<p>"There, you're doing it!" Fred said, exited. "Say it again!"</p>
<p>"Ssssshsssisisisehhh," Harry repeated.</p>
<p>"Is ssshssisssetehhh right?"</p>
<p>Harry flushed a brilliant red. "Um. No. I'm not translating that."</p>
<p>"Why, what did I say?"</p>
<p>"Um. Let's just say that it was very dirty. As in, your mum would <em>scourgify</em> your mouth dirty."</p>
<p>"Now I really want to know!"</p>
<p>"Oookay, moving on. Repeat after me: "Ssssshsssisisisehhh."</p>
<p>"Sssssssisisisehhh?"</p>
<p>Harry blushed again. "You just told me that you wanted to mate with me. Maybe this isn't such a good idea."</p>
<p>"I <em>what</em>?"</p>
<p>"Yes. And it wasn't that clean, either. Okay, let's try again: 'Ssssshsssisisisehhh."</p>
<p>"Ssssshsssisisiseheff," Fred said.</p>
<p>Harry giggled. "Apparently my skin looks like an overweight tarantula. Come on, you can try this with me? Ssssshsssisisisehhh."</p>
<p>"Sswssshsssisisisehhh," Fred said.</p>
<p>"Ok, and <em>that </em>meant 'face-diapers'. Try again, just say ssssshsssisisisehhh."</p>
<p>"I <em>am </em>trying! Ssssshsssisisisehhh."</p>
<p>Harry blinked a few times. "That's right! Again."</p>
<p>"Ssssshsssisisisehhh."</p>
<p>"You got it!" Harry grinned. "Now say this: swessff sssehh fstistisssss, sssssies."</p>
<p>"Swessff sssehh fstistisssss, sssssies," Fred repeated dutifully. "What did I say?"</p>
<p>"Hey Umbitch, piss off."</p>
<p>Fred laughed so hard his stomach ached at the thought of him saying that and Umbridge having no idea she'd been insulted.</p>
<p>"It's what I do sometimes in detention," Harry continued, and Fred sobered at once. "She just thinks I'm trying not to cry or back-talk, but I'm actually calling her names. It's brilliant!"</p>
<p>"What'll be more brilliant is when I get this potion right and she falls in love with a blast-ended skrewt," Fred retorted over his shoulder as he left for Moaning Myrtle's boarded up bathroom.</p>
<p></p><div class="xcontrast">
<p></p><div>
<p></p><div><p>The Chamber of Secrets was exactly how Fred had imagined it. Spooky, green, and covered with hundreds of creepy little snake carvings that seemed to follow his every move. Oh, and the big-ass snake. Yeah, that kind of killed the mood too...this wasn't the sort of place you would want to go to study or make out with your girlfriend, unless you were Salazar Slytherin, he supposed.</p>
<p>But he hadn't come here to speculate on Salazar's disturbing choice of decor. Well, maybe a little bit, perhaps, but he was mostly here to loot the basilisk carcass. Speaking of the basilisk...Fred whistled as he saw it. It was nearly sixty feet long. This was the thing that had nearly killed Harry when he was an ickle second-year? The thing that Harry had then proceeded to slaughter with an honest-to-goodness sword while it was trying to kill him? Damn. He had to up his game. Well, right now, actually, he had to collect ingredients.</p>
<p>It was worse than separating pig fetuses into their component parts for detentions with Snape. For one thing, pig fetuses were certainly less than sixty feet long...and they didn't have diamond-hard apple green scales. For another thing, pig fetuses were usually pickled. While basilisk meat is so poisonous that the animal is nearly incorruptible after death (unless a coven of kobolds gets a hold of it) it still apparently leaked viscous, half-clotted blood all over his hands when he accidentally hit an artery. Oh, yeah, and there was also it's eyes, which looked partially eaten by something. Yum.</p>
<p>Fred went back to collecting ingredients with a shudder. Soon, he had a few dozen scales, two fangs, a clean potion vial filled with pale greenish-yellow serous venom, it's tongue (which was four feet and two inches, black, and unpleasantly squishy...and, incidentally, wouldn't fit in the bag he'd brought) and a length of the shed skin, which he had found in the entry way.</p>
<p>After using his broom (which he'd carried everywhere with him since Umbitch had become a threat, as an escape route, should be need one) to go back up the pipe, he went to the Rooms of Requirement (yes, he knew about them; what self-respecting prankster <em>didn't</em>) to change clothes so he wouldn't be covered in basilisk gore when he went to talk to Snape (he could just imagine that conversation) he went straight to the Potions lab, knowing that today was office hours. And then he was standing in front of the door. And he summoned his Gryffindor courage and knocked.</p>
<p>"Enter."</p>
<p>Fred suppressed a shudder at the thought of entering the...snake's...den, and turned the knob, and pushed open the door. Snape, who'd evidently been grading essays in the absence of any students who needed help, raised a brow.</p>
<p>"Mr. Weasley. I never thought I'd see the day when you arrived at my office voluntarily, and unaccompanied by your brother. What do you need?"</p>
<p>"I'm..." Fred's voice cracked just a little- sure, he was audacious normally, but this was no normal occasion, and he just had to hope that the basilisk parts would keep Snape from throwing him out until he had said his piece and the promise of more would keep him from just taking them and giving him detention. "I need help, and I have a proposition for you, if you'll hear me out."</p>
<p>A spark of interest flashed in those black eyes. "Well?"</p>
<p>"You help me perfect this potion recipe and brew it. I give you some basilisk parts and promise not to use said potion on you," he said, calm and matter-of-fact.</p>
<p>Snape stared at him, and for a long, terrifying moment Fred was afraid that Snape would throw him out, or turn him down, or laugh at him for even attempting to bargain with him. Then he straightened. "<em>Basilisk </em>parts? And what potion recipe would this be?"</p>
<p>"Are you taking me up on it then?" Fred asked boldly.</p>
<p>"I want the facts before I commit to anything."</p>
<p>"And I want to be assured that I won't get into trouble because of this," Fred returned.</p>
<p>"Very well. I give you my word," (it sounded painful) "that I will hear you out without punishing you. Now answer my questions."</p>
<p>"Wait. You said you'd hear me out without punishing me. You said nothing about punishing me as soon as I finished," said Fred.</p>
<p>To his surprise, Snape chuckled quietly. "I cannot promise that, because I do not know what you are going to say, but nice try."</p>
<p>Fred smirked. "Ok, so I intend to make Umbridge fall in love with the giant squid, or possibly a blast-ended skrewt or a toad. I didn't want to use any existing legal love potions: love aura is not a proper love potion, just modified truth serum, draught of desire is borderline Dark, amortentia has obvious effects and so does lust philtre, and caritas incanta tastes really strong. So I came up with my own recipe." He dug in his bag and pulled out a stained notebook with yellowing pages covered in notes and diagrams.</p>
<p>"Here it is."</p>
<p>The notes read:</p>
<p>
              <em>Fill a gold cauldron to the halfway point with dew or distilled water and set it on the lowest possible heat (lower than a simmer?)</em>
            </p>
<p>
              <em>Bruise the spearmint buds <strong>until the essential oils start coming out</strong> (DON'T use peppermint, since that intensifies the effects and makes the potion's thrall obvious to any people who see the consumer) <strong>Try leaves here?</strong></em>
            </p>
<p>Fred had added comments and annotations later.</p>
<p>
              <em>Use whole leaves of hyssop, rather than more spearmint, because it takes less spearmint to create an imbalance.</em>
            </p>
<p>
              <em>Powder moonstone fresh, as it's more potent, and mix a little crushed opal in to stabilize, before sifting it in like flour <strong>(to get a more delicate, insidious effect)</strong> Stir counterclockwise continually, but do not allow it to foam.</em>
            </p>
<p>
              <em>Let stand 1 hr, then add coarsely crushed rose thorns and thin strips of baobob leaves. Let rest another hour, or until it has somewhat settled, before adding purple rose petals, cut into small squares (about 3 mm. square). Let it steep overnight in a cool dark place with a breathable cloth over it so nothing falls in.</em>
            </p>
<p>
              <em>Uncover the potion twice every day, at dawn and dusk, to stir it nine times clockwise (not counterclockwise because the magic is very delicate at this stage, due to the addition of the baobob leaves. Make sure to cover it again, and keep the temperature low and the air dry, to prevent evaporation or mold contamination.</em>
            </p>
<p>
              <em>On the twelfth day (this goes through a longer steeping process than amortentia) slowly heat the mixture up again, and continue heating until it is roiling in the cauldron.</em>
            </p>
<p>
              <em>Add frozen ashwinder eggs and let the boiling liquid thaw them<strong>- warning, this part splatters a LOT. </strong>Don't stir.</em>
            </p>
<p>
              <em>When the liquid stops splattering and sizzling, lower the hear and stir, alternating clockwise and counterclockwise until it starts to steam like amortentia in its final stages. Once this happens, add five grams demiguise hair (to make it colorless) and seven drops Antipodian Opaleye tears from a size three dropper (to make it tasteless and odorless).</em>
            </p>
<p>
              <em>After that, add just enough tincture of belladonna to counteract the toxicity of the demiguise hair without poisoning the potion. Then add hair or blood or such from the person you want the victim to fall in love with.</em>
            </p>
<p>
              <em>At this point, the potion must be removed from the heat so it won't be spoiled and strained and bottled while still warm <strong>(don't bother to try to cool it- it remains warm for no less than forty-eight hours after being taken off the heat.)</strong></em>
            </p>
<p>
              <em>Projected Effects: slowly mounting insidious obsession, sudden loss of gain of appetite, mood swings, etc. No test subjects as yet.</em>
            </p>
<p>Fred had never actually seen Snape looked surprised before.</p>
<p>"This- I couldn't do this better myself," he said hoarsely at last. "It will need to be tested, obviously, and not on yourself, but I cannot see any problems on the part of the theory. I do not approve of the topic," he added, "but I believe I can make an exception if it is for use on Professor Umbridge. I will help you make the potion. Do not expect this to be a regular occurrence."</p>
<p></p><div class="xcontrast">
<p></p><div>
<p></p><div><p>"I- I won't, sir," said Fred breathlessly, unable to believe that Professor Snape was actually going to help him.</p>
<p>"Don't get used to it," Snape replied, glancing down at the recipe still in his hand. "Will you need to borrow a golden cauldron?"</p>
<p>Fred stared at him, not having thought of it. A golden cauldron (the real ones, not the transfigured cauldrons that they sold cheaply for one-time use) would likely cost more than his house. "You...would that be permitted?"</p>
<p>"Only as long as you don't melt it. And as long as you tell me what you meant by 'basilisk parts'."</p>
<p>Fred face-palmed. "Right. Yeah." And then Fred quickly handed over the ingredients, and Snape found himself with an armful of bags. The tongue, too large to fit fully into the bag, flopped wetly against the professor's arm.</p>
<p>Snape stared at the bags, and then at the slick wet venomous tongue. "Is that...?"</p>
<p>"A basilisk tongue and assorted parts? Yes. And by the way, there's more where that came from."</p>
<p>The Potion Master swallowed hard. "This is...I don't know what to say."</p>
<p>Fred wondered if the event of Professor Snape being rendered speechless would make it into <em>Hogwarts, a History</em>. It was certainly a momentous event.</p>
<p>"How about we hash out the details on paper?" Fred said, grinning. "<em>Accio</em> parchment!" He stared down at said parchment, chewing on his quill.</p>
<p>
                    <em>We, Fred Fabian Weasley and Severus-</em>
                  </p>
<p>"Um, what's your middle name?"</p>
<p>"Tob-" Snape stopped dead. "Give me that contract! If a contract is going to be written, I will be the one to write it!"</p>
<p>"Not without my input," was Fred's reply. "Since it was my idea and I have all the bargaining chips, Mr. Slytherin. You trapped yourself."</p>
<p>Black eyes widened. "Why, you-" he broke off, blinked a few times, and then started to laugh. Fred began to wonder if he had broken him. "Very Slytherin," he said when he could speak. "Very well, you may write it. I reserve the right to change it in any way, however. And my middle name is Tobias."</p>
<p>"Sounds good." Fred put his quill to parchment again.</p>
<p>
                    <em>We, Fred Fabian Weasley and Severus Tobias Snape, do swear to uphold the following arrangement as long as following it will not do harm to us or anyone who has not harmed us (directly or indirectly). The agreement itself is as follows: Severus agrees to assist me substantially in the preparation and test-driving of my formula "Love Poison" and not discipline me in any way for the idea or creation potion itself or take the matter to any of the other head of houses or Dumbledore. (Any pranks played by the usage of said potion are fair game.) I will, in return, give him thirty-eight basilisk scales, two fangs, a vial of venom, a tongue, and a square of skin, and pledge not to use the Love Poison against him (in perpetuity.)</em>
                  </p>
<p>
                    <em>The consequences of breaking this contract made in magic are as follows: anything Severus wears will turn into Gryffindor drag, with golden feathers and sequins, for a month, and everything I eat will taste like custard pie for a month.</em>
                  </p>
<p>Fred handed the contract to the professor, who read it through. When he got to the consequences, his eyes widened. "Custard pie?" was all he said.</p>
<p>"Well, I didn't want something that was actually <em>harmful </em>as a penalty, but there had to be something. I figured you'd hate having to wear Gryffindor colors, and I can't stand custard pie. It's gross! Horrible! It has the consistency of mucous baked into a pie shell! I hate it!"</p>
<p>"That was more detail than I would ever need," Snape returned, going back to looking at the contract. "But very well. He paused a moment, flicking his wand to scan the contract (evidently to detect invisible fine print) and then drew out a quill. "You sign first."</p>
<p>Fred picked it up and signed, with a wary eye on Snape, then handed him the quill. Snape smirked. "Never sign a Wizarding contract first," he responded, a tiny smile on his thin lips. "How do you know <em>I'm </em>going to sign?"</p>
<p>"Because I know where there's a sixty-foot basilisk and can get to it, and you probably want organ meat from it?"</p>
<p>Snape stared at him, opened his mouth, shut it again, and then sighed and drew his spidery signature with a muttered "you better get me the liver."</p>
<p>There was a pause, during which both signatures flashed golden. Then two of them looked at each other.</p>
<p>"So you wish to begin brewing?"</p>
<p>Fred was faint with excitement. "Hell yeah!"</p>
<p>"Language, Mr. Weasley. Five points from Gryffindor."</p>
<p>Fred winced. "Sorry, professor."</p>
<p>A very small smile was Snape's only reply as he removed a golden cauldron, a jug of dew, and twelve bottles, as well as a loosely-woven white cloth and several implements. "Come," he said. "There is an unused classroom which will be adequate for brewing."</p>
<p>Fred could scarcely believe his luck. Professor Snape, the bane of all pranksters, was going to help him? With an experimental love potion? And he was going to let him borrow a golden cauldron? He must have accidentally ingested <em>Felix Felicis</em>!</p>
<p>It was, if possible, even more fun to brew the potion than it had been to come up with it in the first place. Fred had always loved a challenge, and this certainly fulfilled the requirements of a challenge, seeing how difficult the completely new potion was even with the help of the resident Potion Master. He chopped, stirred, and mixed, heating the dew to tepid in the golden cauldron and then adding spearmint which he had bruised himself in a little mortar specifically for aromatics, before adding the hyssop leaves, freshly stripped from the stem, while Snape helped him by pulverizing the moonstone and opal.</p>
<p>After that, Fred had to (very carefully) sift the semiprecious rock dust into the cauldron, turning the mixture a nice opalescent lavender. Interesting. He had had no idea it would do that! Fred quickly grabbed a quill and scrawled a note about the color; he would perhaps have written more, but Snape snapped at him to stir the mixture before the potion was ruined, and Fred hastily abandoned his observations. He could always go back and look at them in a pensive, later...</p>
<p>"Slower! Stir it, don't beat it like egg whites!"</p>
<p>"Yes sir," Fred replied, and then: "Could you please jot that down?"</p>
<p>"You owe me," Snape replied calmly, scrawling the new instruction.</p>
<p>"How about I get you some more basilisk parts?" Fred responded. The potion was now a beautiful iridescent blue.</p>
<p>"The liver and more scales, and I will write whatever you want, within reason."</p>
<p>"Just the liver, I already gave you some scales," Fred bargained, taking the cauldron off the heat to let it stand, while crushing the thorns and slicing the baobob leaves. An hour later, he added the rose petals and extracted a promise from Snape to keep an eye on the potion to ensure that it was not tainted by debris or spoiled.</p>
<p>For twelve days he and Snape kept an eye on the potion. At last, the final ingredients: ashwinder eggs, (they really did splatter a lot), the demiguise hair (which, interestingly, actually rendered the potion itself invisible) Antipodean Opaleye tears, and belladonna (the trigger portion would not be added until the potion was ready to use). Then the potion was bottled and strained. While still warm and Fred thanked Snape for his help and gave the man a vial of the potion to study, taking the rest with him. Let the games begin!</p></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p></p><div class="xcontrast">
  <p></p>
  <div>
    <p>The next day witnessed the first-ever multispecial love triangle, as Umbridge expressed her undying love for both a blast-ended skrewt and the giant squid. It was <em>so </em>worth bribing the chief of the merfolk to collect some skin cells from the oversized cephalopod! Everyone knew that it had to be potion induced (there was no such thing as a "love spell", even though there were spells with primarily bedroom applications) but it didn't show up on the usual scans, and no one seemed to be trying very hard to find a cure, considering that it was Umbridge.</p>
    <p>Fred was sitting contentedly in a window seat in Gryffindor Tower, looking out across the grounds (where Umbridge was sitting by the lake throwing candy and flowers to the Giant Squid) when George walked up.</p>
    <p>"Alright. What did you do?"</p>
    <p>"Who said I did anything?" Fred replied, pulling the telescope away from his eye long enough to throw his twin an innocent look. "Maybe she just found her true love? Ahh, hang on-" he put the telescope up to his eye again and glanced down at the grounds. "Dang, I wish this thing could project sound..."</p>
    <p>"I know you did <em>something</em>, because I saw you talking to Dobby yesterday afternoon, and now suddenly Umbridge is in love with the squid. So spill."</p>
    <p>Fred smirked. "I'm not sharing my trade secrets, Forge, but I believed it involved bribing Snape. Also," here he broke off laughing and couldn't stop for at least a minute, "it's not just the Squid. There's a squid-screwt-Umbridge love triangle going on."</p>
    <p>"So can we add Filch to the mix?" George asked after his laughter died down a little. "They could have nice conversations about torturing the students!"</p>
    <p>Fred gagged. "How about we make <em>Voldemort </em>crush on her?" he asked, after a long moment.</p>
    <p>George stared at him. "Genius!" He said at last. "We can get back at everyone who's ever hurt Harry with this..." he grinned ""...and then we can have some fun! Don't you think Harry needs a little impetus to snog Gin Gin? And don't you think Percy would cool off if he got laid? And Ron- do you think he's ever going to make a move on Hermione if we don't help?"</p>
    <p>Fred actually got off the window seat, leaving his telescope behind. "Gred and Forge! World-class matchmakers! But first, revenge."</p>
    <hr/>
    <p>Cornelius Fudge ought to have noticed that the "gift" from an unknown admirer which had been left in his desk had been laced with something. That said, it would normally have been checked over by an auror detail first, but luckily Nymphadora Tonks was as mischievous as the twins ever could be, and what her boss didn't know wouldn't kill him.</p>
    <p>All the same, Fred thought, (as he and George watched the video feed from an enchanted floating eye of their own devising) Fudge was a pitiful wizard and an even <em>more </em>pitiful minister if he didn't even check an unexpected and unsigned gift for tampering or potions. The two of them watched as the pudgy middle-aged wizard sat back on his desk without even bothering to shift the heaps of paper all over it and stuffed himself with the good chocolates. Then both twins cheered and high-fived as his blue eyes glazed ever-so-slightly. Then he sat around a little while longer, called in Percy to do his job for him, and left, presumably to find whoever's hair was in the potion (George wouldn't tell him). He stopped beside Lucius Malfoy.</p>
    <p>"You didn't!" Fred burst out.</p>
    <p>"Didn't what?"</p>
    <p>"How did you even <em>get </em>Lucius's hair, George?" Fred continued, growing more agitated still.</p>
    <p>"I'm not sharing my trade secrets," was George's only reply.</p>
    <p>Fred groaned, then gasped as the camera stopped. Fudge had stopped in the hallway across from Lucius. Unfortunately this prototype, rather like the telescope, was soundless, but they caught enough of the exchange visually.</p>
    <p>Lucius was about to turn down another corridor when they saw Fudge shift and then call out.</p>
    <p>"He said hello," George stated, staring intently down at the mirror. They were both quite proficient at lip-reading after years of eavesdropping on adults who suddenly remembered to put silencing wards up and only marginally fewer years during shared detentions and having their seats switched in the middle of double Transfiguration.</p>
    <p>Lucius looked surprised for an instant, and then nodded to the minister. [Good morning, Minister,] he replied, nonplussed. Probably because of the naked lust in the man's eyes.</p>
    <p>[I was hoping to see you today, my dear Lucius,] Fudge said, getting closer. [I have need of your...services.]</p>
    <p>The twins giggled at the awkward display of flirting, and then at the momentary look of horror on the aristocrat's cultured face.</p>
    <p>[I don't know what those might be,] Lucius replied, backing away. [Unless you mean campaign contributions?] A calculating look swept over his face as he turned to go down the corridor. Fudge followed. [Perhaps I would help you if you pass those laws that I was talking to you about? And perhaps you could release Bode without a trial?]</p>
    <p>[Of course, my dear Lucius.] Fudge was following him. [Anything you want.]</p>
    <p>Lucius, now looking irritated, stopped and turned around. [Minister, is there anything else you wanted? I have to do paperwork and I have a meeting in half an hour.]</p>
    <p>Fudge kissed him and both twins gagged in sync. Lucius tried and failed to look normal. [Minister, I think you may be under the influence of a lust potion...]</p>
    <p>He was cut off with another kiss as Fudge pulled him inside his office and closed and locked the door. [Nonsense, Lucius, I'm perfectly fine. And paperwork can wait.]</p>
    <p>[Minister, you're married!]</p>
    <p>[Never liked the bitch anyway. Now you, on the other hand...]</p>
    <p>[Can't this wait! I have a meeting!]</p>
    <p>[It won't matter if you miss one meeting. We have better things to do...]</p>
    <p>[I don't swing that way!] said Lucius desperately. [And I'm married too!]</p>
    <p>Fudge grinned, obviously trying to look seductive. It didn't work. [Oh, you're only confused,] he said confidently. [I can sort you out. And weren't you just complaining about your wife making you sleep on the couch?]</p>
    <p>[Listen, Minister, I <em>will </em>hex you if I have to.]</p>
    <p>[You wouldn't do that. Not with that Mark of yours...]</p>
    <p>[Dammit! I'm supposed to be threatening you, not the other way around!]</p>
    <p>[Threatening? You would <em>know </em>if I was threatening you...] He took a step forward, banished Lucius's wand to the other side of the room, cast a silencing charm, slammed him into the wall, and started ripping off his expensive robes.</p>
    <p>Both boys gagged and then turned off the video eye. No need to know what was under his robes, even if they <em>might </em>have been a little curious. Because Draco had to get his looks from <em>somewhere</em>, didn't he?</p>
    <p>Then they turned to each other, and Fred high-fived George. "You think he's going to miss that meeting?"</p>
    <p>George nearly died laughing. "Oh, definitely."</p>
    <p>But it got better still. The next morning, the <em>Daily Prophet</em> had some <em>very </em>interesting headlines:</p>
    <p><strong>Breaking News: Lucius Malfoy assaulted by the Minister of Magic! Vote of No Confidence for Minister Fudge! Investigation Pending! </strong>and <strong>Minister of Magic, Closet Gay?</strong></p>
    <p>Fred and George looked at each other and shared a secret smirk over their toast and bacon. The smirks widened into grins, however, when, exiting the hall, they heard Severus Snape say faintly, "Ten points to Gryffindor for getting rid of that idiot."</p>
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          <p>"Forge, I just had the <em>best </em>idea!"</p>
          <p>Fred looked up. "Yes?" he replied, only a little annoyed. He'd been working on a the spellwork for a candy that would allow you to be able to turn into your potential animagus form, whether or not you had one, for an hour and then allow you to safely turn back, <em>safely</em> being the main issue at the moment.</p>
          <p>"Fenrir Greyback and Bellatrix Lestrange," was all George said, and Fred forgot all about the animagus candies and everything else.</p>
          <p>"But where would we get Fenrir's hair?" he asked, after thinking about it for a moment. "I'm not going near him, and if we try to get someone else to do it they'd either refuse or trick us."</p>
          <p>"We wouldn't need to get Fenrir's hair; it would be better if we got Bella's anyway. 'Cause if we make Fenrir fall in love with Bellatrix, she'll probably hex him to death, if her husband doesn't, and then we'd have one less cannibalistic werewolf to worry about."</p>
          <p>"Getting Bellatrix's hair won't be any easier," Fred protested.</p>
          <p>George grinned widely. "Bellatrix went to Hogwarts."</p>
          <p>"And?"</p>
          <p>"All we have to do is say <em>accio </em>Bellatrix Black's hair, like we did when we were trying to get Tonks' hair for that chameleon caramel we were working on. Or we could sneak into the hospital wing and take a drop of blood from Madame Pomfrey's files."</p>
          <p>Fred stared at him. "<em>What?! </em>Do you know how dangerous that would be?! If we mess up, some random witch will have Fenrir Grayback chasing after her. And even if we don't, Madame Pomfrey would <em>kill</em> us for breaking into her office!"</p>
          <p>"Do you have any better ideas then? I'm just brainstorming..."</p>
          <p>"Well, what did you do to get Lucius Malfoy's hair?"</p>
          <p>"I already tried that," George said sheepishly. "She somehow figured out how to ward herself against house elves; I think it's Black family magic. I haven't figured out how she did it yet."</p>
          <p>"House elves?! I should have thought of that!"</p>
          <p>George winced, his secret having been found out. "Well, <em>anyway</em>, I can't use Dobby to get some of her hair, and I don't want the homicidal bitch to have a chance to hurt him, anyway. So we're going to have to try it some other way. The only other thing I can think of is asking Snape to try to snag some of her hair, and I don't want her to kill him, either."</p>
          <p>"Maybe he could try to convince her that he needs some of her hair for a potion?" Fred asked. George shook his head.</p>
          <p>"She thinks he's a traitor, remember? She's not going to let him have anything that could be used against her, and I'm not sure what excuse Snape would have to make a potion for her anyway. Well, I mean, besides healing potions and torture potions and whatnot, but I highly doubt that she uses torture potions on herself, so why would they need to contain her hair?"</p>
          <p>"Yeah, good point. So we're back to the first two plans?"</p>
          <p>George sighed. "Yeah, I guess. Guess we start here. <em>Accio</em> Bellatrix Black's hair!"</p>
          <p>Nothing happened. The twins walked a little further down the corridor and tried again. Nothing. They took a leisurely walk through the whole castle, repeating the spell at regular intervals as they walked. No strands of frizzy black hair appeared. At last, after two hours, when the portraits were tittering about their lack of success and it was almost time for dinner, Fred finally lowered his wand. "Let's give it up," he said dejectedly. "She probably used some sort of spell to make sure that she didn't leave any hair around so that no one could use it in dark potions."</p>
          <p>"Yeah. Or maybe it's just all gone, you know; it's been years and the house elves'd probably have cleaned it all up by now. Heck, they'd probably have done that for everyone; I mean, you don't want wizards to be able to impersonate muggleborns who wouldn't know their rights, and you wouldn't want wizards making golemns and voodoo dolls and whatnot when you weren't looking."</p>
          <p>Fred huffed a long sigh. "Shoot, we should have thought of that."</p>
          <p>"Eh, well, what did it cost us, really?"</p>
          <p>"Two hours out of our lives!"</p>
          <p>The two of them began strolling back through the castle, meandering back towards the Great Hall so that they could have dinner. At dinner, they found Lee Jordan (sitting at the Ravenclaw table with his new girlfriend) and very quickly told him that they had something planned, and needed his help. It wouldn't have been good had they had to elaborate, what with the illicit plans they had made, but fortunately Lee agreed to meet them in the abandoned Wand Making classroom on the fourth floor after hours.</p>
          <p>And so, fourteen minutes after curfew, the three boys found themselves in said classroom, with at least ten different silencing and invisibility wards, and two notice-me-nots, discussing the situation. Lee was incredulous.</p>
          <p>"You want me to what now?"</p>
          <p>"Cause a distraction; a big one. And somehow distract Madame Pomfrey."</p>
          <p>"How on earth would I do that?"</p>
          <p>"Hex a bunch of 'Puffs and 'Claws with harmless but annoying prank jinxes, including sticking them to the wall. Then she would have to come to them."</p>
          <p>"But what if she just calls a prefect or another teacher or something?"</p>
          <p>"Thestral crap; didn't think of that. George, what do you think?"</p>
          <p>"We've got to try something. This is too good an idea to waste."</p>
          <p>"What idea would that be, Mssrs. Weasley?"</p>
          <p>Three heads whipped around, and Lee gulped hard. It was Snape. And they were out, in an empty classroom, planning a prank, after curfew.</p>
          <p>"Trying to figure out how to get Bellatrix's hair, sir," said Fred immediately, stifling the urge to add: "and how in Merlin's name did you find us?" Snape was, after all, a spy and probably part bat; he no doubt knew how to break every kind of concealing ward under the sun. Which begged the question how had they managed to stay undisturbed all the times they had hid here before. He paused a moment, then added "or her blood, if that's easier." George tried to hush him, but Fred ignored him, figuring that if they were going to get in trouble anyway, he might as well tell the truth. For all he knew, Snape might actually have an idea.</p>
          <p>Snape pinched the bridge of his nose. "Twenty points for being out after curfew. Each. Do I want to know?"</p>
          <p>"Probably not, sir, but we're hoping you could help," George chipped in, finally realizing what Fred was trying to do.</p>
          <p>"<em>George!</em>" Lee hissed.</p>
          <p>"Help? What makes you think that I would have any interest in furthering your imbecilic pursuit?" Despite the harshness of the words, Fred could tell that Snape was interested, and trying to hide it. He grinned.</p>
          <p>"Maybe the fact that I can get a hold of a basilisk liver for you? And maybe a limblet?" He added, knowing that those (vestigial limbs that could be found on very old or mummified basilisks) were a very expensive, rare, and valuable Potions parts.</p>
          <p>Snape made a rather interesting sound that might have been a sob in a lesser man. "<em>a limblet?!"</em></p>
          <p>"Yeah. It's a really big old snake."</p>
          <p>"Right." Snape hesitated for a long time, looking as if he was struggling with himself, and then finally sighed. "I...if you will allow me to work with basilisk limblets, I swear to Merlin that I will be your...accomplice for the rest of the year. P-please..."</p>
          <p>That last sound sounded rather rusty, as though he had not had occasion to say it for years. Actually, that was probably true, if uncharitable.</p>
          <p>"Totally. That is...do you two agree?" he added, looking at his shell-shocked companions.</p>
          <p>"H-how did you get a hold of limblets?" George asked, at last.</p>
          <p>"Now that would be telling," Fred responded with a grin. "So do you agree we should take Professor Snape's offer?"</p>
          <p>"Why not? He's a damn good potioneer and he has an "in" with the Death Eaters, which could be helpful if we want to slip dear old Moldy a love potion."</p>
          <p>A very light pink dusted Snape's face at hearing these words; dear Merlin, was he<em> imperiused</em>?</p>
          <p>And within an hour, another magical contract had been written up on a piece of leftover parchment:</p>
          <p>
            <em>We, Fred Fabian Weasley, George Gideon Weasley, Lee Harper Jordan, and Severus Tobias Snape, do swear to uphold the following arrangement as long as following it will not do harm to us or anyone who has not harmed us (directly or indirectly). The agreement itself is as follows: in return for one of the two limblets of Salazar Slytherin's basilisk and its liver, and a pledge not to use our inventions against him in perpetuity, Severus Snape will tacitly help us with our love potion sneak attacks against various loyal Death Eaters and His Moldiness himself, keep confidence about our pranks before they happen unless they are going to hurt an innocent (that means no telling the other heads of houses or Dumbledore), and help us with brewing complicated potions.</em>
          </p>
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            <em>The consequences of breaking this contract made in magic are as follows, and all lasting a month: anything Severus wears will turn into Gryffindor drag, with golden feathers and sequins, everything Fred eats will taste like custard pie, George will be forced to break it off with Angela, just for a month, and Lee Jordan's pet tarantula will have to be sent home.</em>
          </p>
          <p>"Do you want to add anything, sir?" Lee asked, handing Snape the paper.</p>
          <p>Snape read it through. "I hope you know that I reserve the right to discipline you for your pranks, and for bribing a teacher."</p>
          <p>All three Gryffindors blanched, and a smirk worked it's way over Professor Snape's face. "Detention tomorrow," he said calmly. "You should have thought to add an injunction against that." He paused. "Besides, then there will be fewer questions asked as to why you are in my office when you could be swiping sweets and butterbeer from the kitchens."</p>
          <p>The boys relaxed a little. "So...you will help us then?"</p>
          <p>"Certainly. You <em>will</em> be scrubbing cauldrons, though."</p>
          <p>The moans of disappointment must have carried all the way to Zimbabwe.</p>
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                <p>The detention with Professor Snape would have been the best part of Fred's day, if it hadn't involved scrubbing cauldrons. The three pranksters arrived a few minutes before they were required to (a first) and scrubbed something that looked rather like flobberworm mucus mixed with purple chunky clam chowder out of a stack of spare cauldrons with only a few complaints (also a first). Fifty minutes into the detention, when even Fred was starting to lose patience, the professor smirked.</p>
                <p>"I believe that is enough for now," he said, and the three troublemakers gratefully laid down their sponges and scrubbers, and laid down the sea-serpent-skin gloves that they had been borrowing to make sure that the potions residue didn't melt their hands.</p>
                <p>"There are two more cauldrons left," George commented.</p>
                <p>"Are you volunteering to clean them?"</p>
                <p>George yelped and shut his mouth, and then watched as the smirking Potions master waved his wand and silently cleaned the last two cauldrons. All three boys stared at him.</p>
                <p>"We could have just banished them the entire time?!" Lee asked, affronted.</p>
                <p>Their professor's smirk widened. "<em>I </em>could have, considering that I know the specialized charms. <em>You</em> could not, unless you wanted to suck the cauldrons into non-being too."</p>
                <p>"Can you teach us?" Fred asked, excited. He actually enjoyed learning new things, if they were interesting. (Unlike most of what they learned in classes, unfortunately.)</p>
                <p>"I could..." Fred could sense a "but" coming up here "...but I won't. If you go on and become Potions Masters yourselves, then maybe I'll think about it."</p>
                <p>Fred huffed, but covered his irritated amusement by reaching over and picking up the backpack he had brought with him. Inside, layered with stasis charms, was a basilisk liver and a limblet, cut into neat quarters (the whole thing wouldn't fit into the backpack, and Fred and the other two didn't really want to answer Mcgonagall's questions should she see an honest-to-goodness basilisk limblet sticking out of his bag). "Here you go, Professor. As requested."</p>
                <p>Professor Snape's fingers twitched, and it was clear that he was restraining himself from grabbing it out of the boy's hands only because such a thing would be too much undignified for him. As it was, he took it as soon as Fred handed it to him and unpacked it at once, as excited as a child on Christmas morning. "T-thank you." To his credit, it was only a <em>slight </em>stutter, and he <em>had</em> just received two extraordinarily rare and expensive ingredients. Fred, however, was extremely pleased that he had managed to make the dour and dangerous Professor lose his cool. He watched as Snape undid the stasis charms, undid the conjured brown paper that the ingredients had been wrapped in, and simply looked at the ingredients within, staring at them as though they were more precious than rubies. Which they probably were, though they didn't look it. One (the liver) was reddish-pink with purple veins, while the limblet quarters were covered in apple-green scales and looked, for all the world, like oversized atrophied iguana legs. After a moment of simply <em>looking</em>, Snape regained control over himself enough to set his new toys on his desk, and then to turn back to his students, who were all pretending that they hadn't noticed his lapse. Then, with a wand-hand that trembled only slightly, he summoned a packet of something and handed it to George, who was the closest twin. "Bellatrix's hair," he told them, a faint smile hovering about his lips. "These," he said, handing them four more packets, "are Mcnair's, Dolohov's, both Lestranges' and both Carrows; they are the worst of the lot. The rest of the Death Eaters are much easier to accost, of course; I can get their hair from the source."</p>
                <p>The pranksters' eyes widened. Then Fred (and George) impulsively hugged him. Professor Snape could probably not have been more astonished than had the two of them slipped a pickled flobberworm eyeball down his back. He stiffened, and both twins let go at once, though unapologetically.</p>
                <p>"Sorry professor. But thank you! Seriously!"</p>
                <p>"You...are welcome," the wizard replied, still evidently a little shaken up. "I would very much like to see those imbeciles as thoroughly humiliated as possible. I only wish that I could get something of the Dark Lord's."</p>
                <p>"Well, we can start with this. And...the potion only needs something from the person the drinker is going to fall in love with, so we <em>could</em> actually give it to Voldie. Not sure who I'd want to inflict him on, though, honestly! Oh, and does this particular love potions work on werewolves?"</p>
                <p>"You invented it, I couldn't be sure," Snape replied. "Although I would assume it would work fine, unless said werewolf was transformed, since wolf metabolisms work differently. What do you have in mind?"</p>
                <p>"Feeding some keyed to Bellatrix to Greyback," was Fred's calm response. "That's what we wanted it for in the first place! Chances are she would <em>not</em> want Greyback hitting on her, and she's the kind of witch who would hex first and ask questions later, so..."</p>
                <p>"So Greyback would be out of the running."</p>
                <p>"And how do you propose slipping a werewolf with superhuman senses a Class 7 illegal potion? He'd smell it a mile off!" Despite the disbelief, there was a sparkle of interest in the Potion Master's normally cold black eyes.</p>
                <p>"Jazzy," was all George said.</p>
                <p>"Pardon me?"</p>
                <p>"House elves. Bellatrix is warded against house elves, but Greyback isn't, and I remember learning in COMC that house elves can spell potions and food directly into your stomach, if necessary. So I can just call Jazzy, and she'll help spell it into his stomach. He'll never even notice until he is already drugged!"</p>
                <p>"I...that is actually a very good plan. Five points to Gryffindor, provided it works. I would very much like to see Lestrange's face."</p>
                <p>Once again, all three Gryffindors stared at him for a moment. Not that it was a lot of points, but coming from a teacher who was literally known for favoring his house at the expense and to the exclusion of the other three, it was a very big concession, and all of them were literally only containing their internal jumping-up-and-down out of newfound respect for their teacher. "Thank you."</p>
                <p>Professor Snape acknowledged their thanks with the briefest of nods. "Might I suggest making the Alecto Carrow infatuated with Rodolphus Lestrange? Her husband hates him, and since it was an arranged marriage, he is quite insecure, so if it could be construed to be an affair, it could be...interesting."</p>
                <p>All three boys grinned at each other. Then they, as one, turned to Lee. "Can you forge his handwriting, and hers?"</p>
                <p>"Yup," the African boy replied with a smile. "Just as long as I can get a sample. I'll write something suitably mushy..."</p>
                <p>"I'll have Dobby leave it under the table after a meeting." George said.</p>
                <p>"And- oh Merlin; best idea ever!"</p>
                <p>The other three wizards looked around at Fred. "What?"</p>
                <p>"You know that hex that we made by reversing that spell for vanishing hickies?"</p>
                <p>George nodded. "Yeah...oh! So you mean hit Bella with it?"</p>
                <p>"Yeah. It would be really hard to get close to her, but it would be so worth it, and since you can't feel it, she shouldn't notice. And so then...!"</p>
                <p>"Totally! So we can fake them having an affair, and then-"</p>
                <p>"First you would have to get near enough to her," Severus said, breaking into their chat. "And I will <em>not</em> allow that. So what is the spell?"</p>
                <p>There was a pause. "Marcas de oscula," Fred and George replied in unison.</p>
                <p>Severus Snape smiled grimly. "I will plant the evidence, and hopefully get a few strands of Pettigrew's mangy hair. Do you have any more ideas for now?"</p>
                <p>"No; we'll tell you when we think of some," the twins replied. "We're trying to figure out who to match Voldie to. Now, if you could get Lee something with Alecto and Rodolphus's handwriting..."</p>
                <p>"I will certainly do so. For now, detention is over. Try to do something heinous enough to garner another detention next week, and I can give you the latest progress. Now out- it's past curfew."</p>
                <p>"Aren't you going to write us a note?"</p>
                <p>Severus Snape, for possibly the first time in recorded human history, laughed out loud. "After all the times I've caught you out after hours, one more time won't hurt you. Not unless you run across Filch."</p>
                <p>All three boys looked positively betrayed, but they were still smiling as they sneaked back into the Gryffindor common room. After all, who else in the Wizarding World could make the claim the Severus Snape was actually going to <em>help </em>with their pranks...</p>
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<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
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    <div>
      <p>Severus Snape was emphatically not a man who was given to mischief, nor was he usually tolerant of such. Pranks and "boyish troublemaking" had been poisoned for him, as the Marauders had made it their personal business to annoy and assault him, and, if possible, blame him for their own vandalizm and pranks, and the Slytherins in his year had mostly thought that "fun" involved forcibly removing the appendages of insects and practicing nasty spells on the lower years; hence his disillusionment. Now, as a teacher, he was once again a target of (sometimes malicious) pranks, such as when Nymphadora dropped a bloody venomous tentacula on him, and it was also his distasteful duty to dispense the wrath of heaven (ehem, detentions and point losses) to the mischief-makers he flushed out.</p>
      <p>Today, however, said Potions Master was in the unlikely position of planning mayhem to wreak on the Inner Circle, and (having been variously tortured by most of them, due to being a halfblood and one of the few Death Eaters that had no stomach for the painful games that the others enjoyed playing) he was actually, for the first time in all his life since the day he had been initiated, looking forward to being summoned. A wicked little smile played about his face the whole day, not even being shaken by a class full of Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws who collectively botched their calming draughts due to his inattention, and all over Hogwarts, the rumors spread that something (which must have been unpleasant, if it made the greasy git of the dungeons so happy) must have happened. The Hogwarts rumor mill went mad, speculating on what might have happened "He found an excuse to expel Potter!" "He must have found a girlfriend" "Paid someone, more like!" "Maybe he invented a new potion that includes the eyeballs of disruptive students!" There were collective shudders at that one, and Severus, who had long grown inured to the poisonous commentary (even if it <em>did </em>hurt, just a little), just smiled a little wider at the excuse to take large amounts of potions from rival houses for gossiping about the staff.</p>
      <p>That evening, Fred Weasley knocked on his office door with the excuse that he wanted to know if he would be allowed to have an extra day for the paper on faery quartz that Severus had assigned the previous week (even though they both knew that he had turned it in early) and gave him several very dirty forged "love notes" written by Mr. Jordan, notes which would reveal the crude details of a supposed "affair" between Alecto Carrow and Rodolphus Lestrange. Severus only had to read over them to have a perfect idea what to do next, causing the appearance of a particular breed of smirk that, while rarely seen, promised a Slytherin sort of punishment for whomsoever he was angry at. The boy seemed incredibly thankful that it was not being levelled at him. As he should be, considering that the last time that particular smirk had made an appearance was when Severus had come up with a enticingly creative and humiliating way to make Potter and Black pay for their werewolf "prank" (which to this day Black still thought had been the work of a Hufflepuff girl who had been angry because James and Black had been using polyjuice to pretend to be her boyfriend, which was only icing on the cake from Severus's point of view). Thus Severus (after having taken the notes) shooed Weasley out, then settled back, summoning a glass of wine and his own private journal. He had some plans of his own to make; while rusty, he was too Slytherin not to know how to cause a pluperfect mess in the Dark Lord's ranks, and he certainly had reason enough to want to...</p>
      <p>A few hours later, a particularly satisfied Slytherin reluctantly set down his journal, warded it as thoroughly as Gringotts (there were some particularly nasty and rather illegal spells and potion recipes in there; best not to make them easy to access even if some wizard <em>were </em>to figure out how to get into his warded chambers and the spelled and trapped drawer the journal was in) and, going to his potions cabinet, drew out a bottle of the extra potent love potion that Weasley had made. (He would have been remiss in his duties had he not skimmed a few cups of the substance off when it had been brewed; the troublemakers would no doubt only use it to embarrass their classmates. At least that was his view.) He looked at the liquid through the glass, on the off-chance it had grown cloudy with diableric mold, but it was clear, and in any case, he would not have cared too much if the wizards he was going to dose with the concoction had a nasty stomach flu, so he slipped on his sea-serpent skin potion gloves and carefully uncorked the bottle. It was only about half an hour's work to doctor the mixture with a few hairs from various Death Eaters, and the remainder of the hour was quickly spent packing several other choice concoctions for Death Eater consumption and adding them to his already formidable potion belt. Then, realizing rather too late that it was already after midnight, he put his potion belt with his hated Death Eater garb and went to bed in a rare mood of contentment, forgoing (for once) grading the enormous stack of papers on his desk.</p>
      <p>The next day did not have a particularly auspicious start, except that it was nasty and overcast and he was overdue on his grading schedule, and several second year Gryffindors and Slytherins had to be sent to the hospital wing for roughhousing next to a particularly volatile ingredient that Severus had set up for the seventh years' use, which did not improve his already sour mood. By midday, any left-over exhilaration or even happy anticipation for the implementation of his plans had left him entirely, and even Fred and George were not safe from his wrath, losing perhaps a few too many points for making a mural with their leftover salamander blood and newt eyes. And then, that evening, he was Called.</p>
      <p>Severus rose from his supper instantly (it would not do if the Dark Lord thought he was not prompt enough) and then, shooting off a quick <em>patronus </em>to Albus to explain the situation, (after he had moved out of sight of any students) he strode straight to the apparation point and disapparated. A moment later found him at the Dark Lord's base, which incidentally was Malfoy Manor, and he tightened his occlumency shields and made his way to the overly-ornate doors, maneuvering idly around one of Lucius's ludicrous white peacocks as he did so. And a few minutes more found himself in the presence of the Dark Lord and his bestial followers.</p>
      <p>What followed was the usual combination of grandstanding, Death Eater reports, and cruciatus, and Severus (while not managing to escape a bit of torture himself) managed to use his admittedly formidable medical training to spell potions into several of the others while they were still shaking from exposure to the cruciatus. He also managed to wandlessly plant one of the dirty notes in Alecto's pocket (along with a little mental manipulation so that she would remember Rodolphus slipping it to her) before he decided that that was probably enough for now; if everything he had planned out began happening all at once, the Dark Lord would suspect foul play, and besides, he was too Slytherin to value pranks over his life. He counted it a win that the Dark Lord did not apply more than one cruciatus and that his shields held up, and escaped as quickly as he could with the excuse that he had some potions to attend to, and he could not stay long enough for the Dark Revel that occurred after the meeting. As most of the others considered him assexual and uninterested in anything except potions and teaching snot-nosed brats, the excuse held water, at least. And as he left, he absentmindedly plucked a bit of peacock down off of his cloak, and, as he was letting it go to drift away, a sudden, marvelous idea struck him, and he made a point to collect a few of the stunning white feathers which the albino creatures left behind on his way out.</p>
      <p>He returned, drank an anti-cruciatus when Madame Pomfrey forced him to ("I don't care about your report, you need treatment! If I have to stun you, I will!") told Dumbledore the events of the meeting (minus his extracurricular activities, which he knew would either amuse the old man to no end or disappoint him due to not being part of his particular and narrow set of plans) and went straight to his rooms to complete more of the grading which he had been neglecting recently.</p>
      <hr/>
      <p>The Dark Lord was calling for meetings more and more frequently recently, secure in the knowledge that the Ministry of Magic was willfully ignoring his rise and gathering strength, which meshed in perfectly with Severus's plans. He gave the Gryffindor twins "detentions" as soon as feasible, too, to share with them the results of each meeting (though he kept a few things strictly to himself). The "affair" between Alecto and Rodolphus was flourishing, causing a major upheaval in the Death Eater ranks, and Bellatrix Lestrange had euthanized "that dirty beast Greyback" only last week, when the besotted werewolf had tried to force his attentions on her. Lupin, he remembered, had been almost beside himself. If he only knew...</p>
      <p>Those were not the only events that Severus had orchestrated or perpetrated, either. The twins had literally gotten down on their knees on the floor of the potions classroom (still slimy from a mishap with gillyweed and stinksap) and kowtowed to him at the news that Lucius Malfoy had formed a rather unhealthy fascination with his peacock population, much to his wife's disgust, and they were also quite amused at the various new relationships and dynamics in the Death Eater ranks, which had caused more than one Ancient and Noble alliance to be broken up (love and lust potions, various poisons, and carefully-brewed aversion and compulsion potions could work miracles). Suddenly Severus, the reviled halfblood, the one that was only even still in the Inner Circle because the Dark Lord could find no better Potion Master, was pulling the strings of the various Lords of families who would not deign to spit on him if he were on fire (probably because they had been the perpetrators of such an event, had it occurred) and no one was more amused than the twins, although Severus was quite amused and proud himself.</p>
      <p>There were also other, more serious matters to be taken care of, though. Nagini had to go, and the spells used to force potions directly into a wizard's stomach would <em>not </em>work on animals (as in, her stomach would probably implode, which would very likely tip the Dark Lord off that there was someone who wanted him dead in his Inner Circle). She would also likely not eat anything that was not alive when fed to her, or given directly to her by her master, and her preferred meals were human flesh, so that would make a potable poison implausible, since he could not just throw a student stuffed with lethal poison at her. If she was killed any other way but poison (say, avada kedavra or just straight out cutting her head off) the Dark Lord would also suspect foul play, and if he were to force-feed her poison, she could just tell her lord and master.</p>
      <p>He was at his wits' end when he finally decided he could trust the twins enough to tell him some of what he had learned from Dumbledore. He was forbidden from telling the aurors, anyone at the ministry, anyone not in the know about the Order, and any adult that Albus had not explicitly told him he could tell, due to some idiotic reasoning that Albus had to personally vet anyone who was trustworthy enough to know the Dark Lord's darkest secrets (while there was definitely a grain of truth to that, what if Albus died without telling anyone, and Severus had to deal with it on his own?) but the twins were a loophole, because they were in the Order but not technically of age.</p>
      <p>He got straight down to business as soon as they arrived for their "detention".</p>
      <p>"There are some things you need to know," he began reluctantly, "but I need an oath on your magic that you will not tell anyone you do not trust with your lives and the lives of everyone you can think of, and you must not tell anyone who does not know rudimentary occlumency."</p>
      <p>Two identical pairs of sky blue eyes widened. And then the boys raised their wands, and they swore.</p>
      <p>"Good," Severus told them when they had finished. "Right. This is very dark, and Professor Dumbledore must not know that I told you."</p>
      <p>The boys looked at each other, and then swore another oath that they would not let Dumbledore know without Severus so much as suggesting it. Then they turned back to him. "Go on,"</p>
      <p>Severus hesitated. He needed help here, but the idea of burdening students, still children, with his secrets...</p>
      <p>"Tell us, sir," said Fred, when he still was silent. "We can at least listen and try to help, if possible."</p>
      <p>Severus sucked in a deep breath. "V-very well. Have you heard of the prophecy?"</p>
      <p>"What prophecy?"</p>
      <p>Well, that answered that, Severus supposed. "The prophecy which states that the Dark Lord is destined to die at Potter's hand," he confided heavily. "Or kill him."</p>
      <p></p>
      <div class="xcontrast">
        <p></p>
        <div>
          <p></p>
          <div>
            <p>Both of the boys stared at him, their mouths falling open. "What?!"</p>
            <p>"Are you saying-"</p>
            <p>"That ickle Harrikins-"</p>
            <p>"Will have to fight Voldie-"</p>
            <p>"Or die in the process?"</p>
            <p>Severus nodded, heavily.</p>
            <p>"And no one was going to tell him?"</p>
            <p>"I do not know if and when Professor Dumbledore was going to do so; he <em>is </em>rather fixated on 'allowing Potter to be a child', for what that's worth. And no, before you ask, you can't tell him. The Dark Lord has access to his mind, and his occlumency shields are pitiful at best."</p>
            <p>The twins looked somewhat disgruntled and angry at that, but they were (thankfully) intelligent enough to understand, and while they tended to break <em>school </em>rules, Severus did not believe that they would willfully put their adopted brother in more danger than he was already in. He hoped.</p>
            <p>"Wait. Voldemort-" Severus hissed as pain like boiling acid surged up his arm from where his mark was, and Fred, seeming to realize his pain, hastily amended "Um, Snakeface can read his mind?"</p>
            <p>Severus gave a breathy little laugh at the epithet, and nodded. He was <em>not </em>going to tell the boys his suspicions, that the link was something more sinister than just a link, (they did not need to know about the darkest of magics) but he had to explain somehow. "When the Dark Lord attacked him, the residue of the curse and the backlash of the caster's magic formed an involuntary bond, at least, that is the best guess I can make." It <em>was </em>a sort of a bond in some twisted way, to be fair. "Since no one else has ever survived the killing curse, I cannot say for certain."</p>
            <p>The boys seemed a little sceptical, but they appeared to at least accept what he had said, for now, and Severus moved on. "In any case, much as it may infuriate the boy-" he very carefully did not say brat for the Weasleys' sake- "he cannot be told anything incredibly sensitive for fear that the Dark Lord will just rip it out of his sleeping mind."</p>
            <p>Fred and George slowly began to nod. "But if he isn't going to be told, how is he going to fulfill the thing? And how is it possible to kill him, anyway, if he can just pop right back from the dead like he did before?"</p>
            <p>Damn, those boys were too intelligent for their own good!</p>
            <p>"There are several...artifacts, for lack of a better word, that are keeping him from dying. Professor Dumbledore is researching them at this moment, and hopefully we will soon know how many there are and where they are." Dear Merlin, was he actually confiding in a couple of Gryffindor seventh years?</p>
            <p>"Wait, so there are things that are keeping him from dying and we don't even know what they are? And what on earth can do that, anyway? It would have to be extremely dark magic." That was George.</p>
            <p>"They- they are." Severus could not entirely conceal his stutter. "I beg that you restrain your natural curiosity, because it is...very, very dark. I do not...you do not need to know about such things yet."</p>
            <p>The Weasleys nodded, although Severus sensed with a twinge of unease that they had not entirely let it go. Merlin, he hoped that the glorious imbeciles would not try to figure out what horcruxes were on their own...</p>
            <p>"In any case, there are several artifacts, as well as, I believe, the Dark Lord's familiar, which are pinning him to life. Which brings me to another of my...problems. The snake has to go, but I cannot be seen killing her, and I doubt that she will take bait."</p>
            <p>"Can you just spell it into her, like Poppy does?"</p>
            <p>"No. That would...not have pleasant effects. That in itself would not be a problem, but the fact remains that if she dies of anything other than 'natural causes', the Dark Lord will be angry, and he will likely pressure the Inner Circle until he finds that I am a traitor, or even just suspects that I am, and then it is all over."</p>
            <p>"Yeah, I can see that." Fred frowned. "Hmm. There has to be a way to do this..." he stopped and thought for an almost painfully long moment, before suddenly straightening, eyes brightening. "Wait. Forge, do you remember when Errol got strixalvus blight?"</p>
            <p>"What does that have to do with Voldie's big-ass snake?"</p>
            <p>"Language, Weasley," Severus muttered, but he was listening in bemusement too. What did a sickness that caused constipation in owl familiars have to do with Nagini?</p>
            <p>"Well, we took him to Hagrid, and he was too sick to ingest the potion. Um, Professor Snape, can it be injected?"</p>
            <p>Severus had to think for a moment, as the potion for curing strixalvus was not something that he had memorized like most human healing potions. "No, I don't believe so. As a matter of fact, it would cause cancerous lesions at the injection site, from what I have heard."</p>
            <p>"Hmm." Fred was looking even more excited, reminding Severus of how he had always looked when he had just been given a particularly difficult potion to brew. "I know Hagrid must have gotten it into him somehow, and since he was vomiting up everything we tried to feed him, it couldn't be oral. And it couldn't exactly have been given to him the other way, either."</p>
            <p>"Indeed." At this point Severus was quite intrigued, too. "I shall go talk to him, then."</p>
            <p>"Can we go? As in, not with you; I bet it would damage your reputation to no end to be seen with us, but I mean, maybe we could just act curious about our owl? Hagrid might tell us things that are related with fewer reservations because he likes to chat and we like to listen. We might get a few more ideas."</p>
            <p>"I- oh, very well." Severus admittedly did not like foisting things that he had off on his students, (strictly because the students wouldn't do a job that was up to his standards, not because he wasn't an opportunist) but the twins had volunteered, and Severus <em>did </em>want to avoid having to be polite to the talkative half-giant unless absolutely necessary, not least because Hagrid had, from the moment he had arrived at Hogwarts as a teeny firstie, taken to mothering him and pressing rock cakes on him due to some sort of imagined kinship or something that Severus had never quite figured out.</p>
            <p>The twins worked quicker than he had expected. The very next day, in the middle of Potions, George's cauldron abruptly started to shake, and, upon examination, Severus discovered that the potion within had turned pink, was shooting up clouds of harmless sparkles, and was making an absolutely appalling noise that might possibly have been construed to be singing. Severus could scarcely hide his eye roll, even if he was a little impressed at the result.</p>
            <p>"DETENTION, Weasley and Weasley!" he barked, vanishing the offending liquid. "Twenty points from Gryffindor and see me on your lunch break!"</p>
            <p>Both boys gave him the customary frustrated and disappointed face, but it would have been more effective had they not just high-fived behind their backs at the same time. Severus turned away to hide his smile, with a hiss of "Now that Messrs. Weasley have forgone their shenanigans, we may continue with our lesson. As you can see, adding the salamander wool..."</p>
            <p>The class at last crawled to a close, and Severus settled in to mark papers (something that he had been rather unavoidably neglecting) until it was lunchtime and the twin terrors could invade his classroom and share the knowledge that they had acquired. Ten minutes in, he heard a knock.</p>
            <p>"What?!" Dear Merlin, what now?</p>
            <p>"Knock knock, who's there," called two voices in a perfect chorus. Severus yanked open the door.</p>
            <p>"Never in my life have a seen two Gryffindors so eager to scrub out spare cauldrons," he commented with his usual sneer, in case anyone was watching. Yes, even the portraits; he was not a spy for nothing.</p>
            <p>"We had-"</p>
            <p>"A question about the test-"</p>
            <p>"And we figured we-"</p>
            <p>"Might as well get it answered-"</p>
            <p>"Early so that we could just-"</p>
            <p>"Do our detention after that," said the twins, using their customary twinspeak, evidently also as a blind, since they rarely spoke that way in private.</p>
            <p>"Well, get in then," Severus said, still in his harsh persona. "You will just be scrubbing cauldrons for two hours, then, and if there is any time afterwards I will help you with whatever you want."</p>
            <p>He received identical pouts, but the twins entered his office readily enough. As soon as the door had clicked shut behind them, the jokesters straightened.</p>
            <p>"Right sir," Fred (was that Fred? Severus could usually tell them apart because Fred was more forward and dressed less neatly, but they were both a mess today, and the other boy's extra-mussed red hair was covering the small strawberry birthmark that was <em>his</em> little tell, which made Severus ever so grateful that he could just call them both 'Mr Weasley') said, his face unusually serious. "Um, <em>are </em>we actually cleaning cauldrons first today?"</p>
            <p>Severus barked a faint laugh. "Not if you can tell me what in Merlin's name you did to that innocent potion and how you did it. I do not believe that I could recreate it given the ingredients at hand."</p>
            <p>Fred (it was definitely Fred; Severus had just caught sight of George's birthmark) flushed a little. "So, um, we used the blood replenisher base, since it was pink, but to make it darker we added a few extra drops of hibiscus essence, and then <em>this </em>chucklehead-"</p>
            <p>"Hey!"</p>
            <p>"-added some extra pixie wings, which interacted with the hemlock to make the entire thing exude that misty stuff; it stings your eyes and now I can taste chocolate in the back of my mouth, but I'm not sure if anything more serious is going to happen. Anyway, I...um...I added a cultured songfruit and a fwooper feather and, um...and then it started humming the My Little Pony theme song."</p>
            <p>"The what?" Severus asked, puzzled, and then shook his head before the boy could answer. "Never mind. I don't want to know. I just never want to hear that atrocious sound again." Then the rest of what the boy had said caught up to him, and Severus sat bolt upright. "<em>Songfruit</em>?! Where in Merlin's name did you get ahold of <em>that</em>?" Songfruit was, while not poisonous, a highly addictive magical Somalian fruit somewhat similar to a quince, except that it made whoever swallowed it burst into inexhaustible and perfect music, and, in addition, tasted like pure sunshine, not that Severus had ever had a chance to taste it. Due to the fact that it could only be grown in that region, that it was endangered, and that it was almost as addictive as class seven nepenthe or crystalized magic, the Somalian magical government had restricted access to it, and the British Ministry had actually made it entirely illegal for anyone except a Potions or Herbology Master to possess. So how did two teenage boys (albeit inventive and mischievous ones) get ahold of it? And for Merlin's sake, why had they used it to ruin a perfectly good blood replenisher, of all the possible applications and uses it could have been put to?!</p>
            <p>Fred mumbled something that Severus could not hear.</p>
            <p>"The what?" he asked, his voice beginning to edge back into his 'Angry Professor' facade of old, dark and silky and dangerous. For all the boys pretended it didn't bother them, they began to edge back just a little.</p>
            <p>"I...um...that is to say we...well, we might have gotten them from Mundungus Fletcher."</p>
            <p>Severus raised an eyebrow. "Oh? And how did you get him to part with them? If I know that man, he would still try to gouge you even if he was too drunk to stand; he has done that actually."</p>
            <p>"Funny story, that," said Fred nervously. "So, I was actually bargaining with him for a nice griffin claw, but he spilled that he had songfruit. I mean, I wanted it, you know, but I didn't really have enough, and plus, we have rent to pay on our store now. But anyway, I had just given him an obscene bunch of galleons for the griffin claw and when he finally handed it over, it was fake. I was mad with a capital M. I mean, he said that it was a mistake, and he had gotten it from the dealer, but it was pretty clear that he was lying. And I was really mad. So I went back and said, 'give us an <em>actual </em>griffon claw or give us our money back', but he had already pocketed it and then spent it on alcohol, and he didn't have a real griffon claw. So then I said that I would just take a songfruit in exchange then. He refused; I kinda don't blame him for that one, but I was still really angry, so I told him that he could either give me the money or cough up a songfruit. If he didn't do either, then I would turn him in to the aurors for possessing illegal potions ingredients. He said he would just make them disappear, and so I told him, 'fine then, I'll tell Dumbledore and Harry and the Ministry <em>and </em>the goblins that you were stealing and profiting off of items stolen from the Noble House of Black', and then I guaranteed that he'd catch it from three of them. And then George told him that if that didn't work, we'd prank the daylights out of him." Fred was beginning to grow more confident with the progression of his tale. "So finally the old fraud handed over the case of songfruit, and we've been experimenting ever since. We discovered since fwoopers are associated with bad music and songfruit are associated with good music the two would make a muffled, slightly out-of-tune song when mixed in a potion together, so that's that."</p>
            <p>Severus blinked. And then he stared, totally derailed. "Fifty points to Gryffindor for Slytherin thinking," he said at last, and, while the twins were still gaping "and forty points <em>from </em>Gryffindor for possession of restricted ingredients and frivolous use of them. Now, after that <em>most </em>delightful detour, what did you come here to tell me, and why was it so important that you had to skive off your last class?" He couldn't help the second point deduction, although it was emanating just as much from bitterness as from a desire to discipline the two troublemakers. He would have loved to have songfruit to play with, and they wasted it like that?!</p>
            <p>"Well, for one, we learned how Hagrid spelled the potion into Errol."</p>
            <p>One black eyebrow swooped up; Severus was interested in spite of himself. "Oh?"</p>
            <p>"There's no human spell that can do it, but that isn't to say that their aren't nonhuman spells," George said, beginning to explain. "He just called Lolly, and she transferred it right to his stomach, no problem, no questions asked. House elf magic is on a completely different wavelength."</p>
            <p>"On a completely different <em>spectrum</em>, you mean; house elf magic is literally so far from human that the two magics repulse each other, except when a house elf and a family are forming a bond. That's why house elf magic works on and around humans but human magic hurts them; human magic is too strong and too foreign to them," Fred interjected. "I talked to Misty about magical theory. But anyway, the point is that there is a way."</p>
            <p>Severus forgot to breath for a second, but quickly recovered himself enough to ask:"A way to safely and undetectably spell poison into the snake?"</p>
            <p>"Yeah."</p>
            <p>It was only because Severus was too dignified to punch the air like a firstie when his Quidditch team won that he remained in his seat. One horcrux down, then. At least three more to go, although Severus suspected there were more from the way Dumbledore was acting, and he also (in the darkest of night, when all his barriers were down) worried that that bond that was in Potter was more than a bond. He had felt it from inside the brat's mind, after all, and it did not feel like any bond he had ever seen, felt, or even heard about. It was too intimate; it was clear that the Dark Lord could break into his mind even when (though rarely) he had his occlumency shields up full bore. It literally <em>allowed the boy to speak parseltongue</em>, and to break into the Dark Lord's mind even when He was occluding. That was no garden variety magical tie, not in the least.</p>
            <p>But he had been researching it, and has found a spell which would tell him soul-status, so hopefully, if he got a chance to cast it on the brat, he could figure out if his horrific fears were even close to being justified. As for the rest of the artifacts, he hoped, perhaps, to enlist the goblins, seeing as Albus kept everything close to the chest.</p>
            <p>"Good," he replied at last. "Was there anything else you needed?"</p>
            <p>"A pass to the Restricted Section," Fred replied calmly. There's a prank we want to try on Charlie, but I think the book it was in was removed from the main section due to it...um...being inappropriate."</p>
            <p>Severus blinked. "And you expect me to help you why?" Something here wasn't quite right; if the mayhem-makers just wanted an indecent spellbook, they could owl-order it under an assumed name- and they <em>did </em>have enough gold to do so if they could afford to throw it away in Fletcher's overpriced wares.</p>
            <p>"We have songfruit?"</p>
            <p>Severus stifled a groan that he would likely never admit to. Those damn boys always knew all the different ways to pull his strings like a marionette, for good or for ill. He pressed down the distant, troubling sense of foreboding- the twins in the Restricted Section was <em>not </em>a pleasant thought, and huffed a long sigh. It likely wouldn't be <em>too </em>bad; Merlin only knew they'd been let into the place many times before without it ending up in flames or as rubble...and, for the first time in his life (and very much against his better judgement) he summoned one of the pink paper slips. "V-very well," he said, unable to stifle the slightest of quavers which has cropped up in his voice. "I will take you up on your offer. <em>Don't </em>abuse the privilege, though, and consider yourself fortunate that I did not merely deny it and confiscate the fruit."</p>
            <p>"We promise," the two chorused. Severus could not help hiding a flicker of unease, even as the two of them gratefully accepted the slips.</p>
            <p>"Thank you sir."</p>
            <p>"We won't, sir,"</p>
            <p>The two troublemakers gave him the box in a hurry, then made a little more small talk before at last heading for the Great Hall for lunch. It was just at that moment that Severus realized that the pretended detention hadn't actually even happened. The bloody Gryffindors had distracted him!</p>
          </div>
        </div>
      </div>
    </div>
  </div>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Neither Fred nor George had ever heard of such a thing as an artifact that would keep you from dying. Oh, to be sure, there were plenty of artifacts (and rituals, and potions) that could increase your longevity, wellness, and general wellbeing, and there were various things designed to help you resist sickness, accidents or attacks, but nothing either of them had heard of could literally tie your soul to earth so that you could get a new body, so it was obviously very dark, dark with a capitol "D". This theory was borne out by the fact that Snape wouldn't even tell them what it was, only assuring them that Dumbledore had it covered.</p>
<p>Fred, personally, did not trust the headmaster to take care of it, and George concurred. He was a great teacher and a great man, but both of the twins had seen little Harry in the hospital wing just one too many times because of the old man's negligence, and it was also not right that he had only told a few people. What if- Merlin forbid, but they were in a war- all of the people he entrusted the secret to died? What then? Would Voldemort just live forever?</p>
<p>They both wanted answers, but it was doubtful that they could get them from Snape, so they did the next best thing: gave him some songfruit to experiment with to distract him (and for the pass to the Restricted Section) and they crept in, gave Madame Pince the pass, and began to search for a reference to anything that could make a wizard quasi-immortal.</p>
<p>Nothing. The only things they could find were about the philosopher's stone and the theory that a phoenix animagus could come back if he or she died in his form, and of course horrid voodoo and animantic rituals for raising the dead, like how you would make an inferius. They were actually beginning to get quite desperate when George found a single line in a dusty, fragile old book about soul magic, which seemed to have been forgotten due to the fact that it had been shoved behind the books lining a shelf full of love magic rituals.</p>
<p>"<em>That darckest of all Magiks, the Horcruxe, abel to bring </em><em>the Ded bak to quiknes by vertu of a Sacrifise of Parte of one's own imortal Sole and a Rituel </em><em>of dethe and seed."</em></p>
<p>"Oh, lovely," Fred commented, looking at George and then back at the ancient pages his twin was pointing to, which shimmered faintly with protection charms. "That looks charming. Does that book by any chance say what you need to kill someone who's made horcruxes?"</p>
<p>George read further. "Uh, no, at least not from what I can tell. It goes straight on to talking about soul magic slavery rituals."</p>
<p>Fred choked a little (those rituals were quite as appalling as they sounded) but went on reading over George's shoulder.</p>
<p>The book did not, unfortunately, contain anything more about horcruxes, and neither did any of the other books that they looked through in the next few weeks; Fred speculated that someone, possibly even Dumbledore, had removed said books for fear that <em>other</em> megalomaniacs would get a hold of them and decide to make horcruxes. They were frankly at their wits' end. Where else could they get materials about horcruxes? There were no other library books that even mentioned them except <em>Secrets of the Darkest Art</em>, which did not go into detail, and they couldn't just stroll into Scrivenshafts and ask for books on how to split your soul and stick it in things, or (Merlin forbid) owl order one of the Knockturn Alley shops. That left asking someone.</p>
<p>"But we <em>can't</em> ask anyone!" Fred said when George brought that up. "Remember the vow that Snape made us take?"</p>
<p>"Yeah, I remember. But we could write to someone. Or pensive the memory."</p>
<p>"You're a genius!"</p>
<p>"I try," George said, grinning. But then yet another problem raised its nasty little head.</p>
<p>Asking the teachers or Dumbledore would be suspect, even if the staff that they asked knew what a horcrux was, and they could <em>definitely </em>not expect Professor Snape to tell them after the man had dismissed any further questions before; plus, they hadn't wanted the man to know even that they were looking into it. Their parents, especially Molly, would refuse to tell them due to how dark the magic was, Sirius Black would likely be unable to keep his mouth shut, they didn't know or trust most of the aurors all that well...</p>
<p>"Tonks?" Fred suggested.</p>
<p>"No, not her. I mean, I do trust her, but I'm not sure that she'd be willing to keep it a secret from his boss, and Moody'd be onto us like white on rice."</p>
<p>Fred snickered at the expression, but sobered quickly. "Same goes for Kingsley, too, I guess. Moody might actually be great, except that he'd probably pump us full of veritaserum to figure out how we know about horcruxes, and then we'd be in super big trouble."</p>
<p>"Yeah, no. We're not talking to Moody. Lupin?"</p>
<p>"Lupin would take us straight to Dumbledore, and then we'd be in trouble and so would Professor Snape."</p>
<p>George nodded slowly. "Yeah. It's a pity, really."</p>
<p>The two of them looked at the ancient tome for another few minutes, lost, and then suddenly Fred facepalmed. "Gred, we're idiots!"</p>
<p>"What do you mean?"</p>
<p>"You know who we know who has good occlumensy shields, can keep a secret, and is in a position to know about horcruxes and how to destroy them?"</p>
<p>"Who?" asked George, at a loss.</p>
<p>"Bill, of course."</p>
<p>"Bill?"</p>
<p>"Yeah, Bill. Our brother, you know? The cursebreaker and all that?"</p>
<p>"I know who Bill is, you just surprised me, that's all," George shot back, annoyed. "So you think he could help?"</p>
<p>Fred nodded. "He could at least <em>try </em>to help us."</p>
<p>And so it was that the Weasley twins drafted one of the hardest letters that they had ever written, and layered it with so many security spells and wards that Errol wavered from side to side as the old owl tried to mount into the air with it.</p>
<p>Bill Weasley was having a rather ordinary morning, or at least as ordinary as a top-of-the-line cursebreaker with a veela for a girlfriend could have. There were some routine checks he would have to do, as always, but otherwise his day was his own, and he was planning to have a nice lie-in, then maybe do the little bit of work he had, read and research things for a rather sticky case that he had encountered earlier that week, have lunch, and then maybe have a nice quiet date with Fleur.</p>
<p>Only the lie-in part actually happened. Bill got up lazily and went downstairs to have breakfast and read the paper. As he was buttering his scones, however, Errol, the old Weasley family owl, landed straight on the plate. Bill sighed, then pulled the letter off the old creature and let it sit there on the table, panting. Then he opened the letter. Or, at least, he tried to. A ward was shimmering overtop the envelope, so faint that he didn't see it until it zapped his fingers. He frowned. Why would a family letter be warded? A diagnostic charm had his eyes going even wider. And who, in Merlin's name, knew how to cast a bloodward, was okay with doing so, and thought it had been necessary? He almost didn't open it, but it could be important, and he was actually rather curious, so at last he checked it to make sure it was not one of those dark bloodwards that would kill whoever tried to get past it, and then he used his wand to carefully cut his finger and let a single drop of blood fall onto the parchment. A red glow crept all over the paper from the point where the drop of blood had landed until the entire thing glowed ruby red, and then there was a flash of white light as the blood was proved to be the right person's, and given willingly, and then the wards were dispelled. Bill stared at the envelope for just one more minute, and then he carefully opened it.</p>
<p>There was a letter inside, and the handwriting was Fred and Georges'. Bill's eyes narrowed. If this was a prank...</p>
<p>It didn't seem to be, though. In fact, it looked, if anything, as if the boys were trying for the utmost secrecy, because there were about ten more specialized spells on the letter inside, including one that he had only ever taught the twins and his employers at Gringotts; it actually looked to be serious. But at last he had gotten through all the wards, and this was what he read:</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>Dear Bill,</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p><strong><em>As you have no doubt guessed, this is </em>not at all<em> a prank. As a matter of fact, the paper has been soaked with </em>virtute scribatorum</strong><em><strong>, so you know that we aren't lying.</strong> </em>Bill's eyes widened. The potion, while not being very hard to make, was rather rare, and few used it, since they had vows and veritaserum, so they no longer needed evidence by writing. But dear Merlin, this must be important! His unease grew.</p>
<p><em><strong>So we can't tell you everything, but we swore a vow not to talk about it, so we couldn't exactly just floo you and ask. Plus, the floo network isn't that secure, and we do</strong> <strong>not want anything getting to the wrong ears. </strong></em>Bill was getting very worried now. <em><strong>Anyway, apparently Voldie has made horcruxes. As in, multiple.</strong></em> Will stopped breathing for a solid minute. What?! <em><strong>We don't know what they all are, but we do know that there's more than one, and Gred here thinks that the thing that possessed Ginny was one of them. Anyway, we need to know how to destroy them, like, post-haste, because Professor Snape says that Dumbledore is working on it but we don't think he is, so </strong></em><strong>we're</strong><em><strong> going to work on it after we pass our NEWTS. But we won't be able to do so without help.</strong></em></p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>Also, did you know that there is a prophecy that says Harry has to kill Voldie or die? We're really worried, but we're hoping that we can fulfill the prophecy by, like, holding Voldie down so that Harry can kill him, cause then maybe he wouldn't die. Do you know anything about how prophecies are supposed to work?</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>Great. This was a nice surprise to wake up to. William Weasley dearly hoped that they had misheard or misinterpreted whatever they had read, but somehow, especially seeing the spells on the parchment, he doubted it. And so he sent off a "family emergency" missive to Gringotts, canceled the reservation at The Bronze Hippogriff (which he had been planning to surprise Fleur with) and bought a portkey back to Britain at once. He needed to get to the bottom of this, and as soon as possible.</p>
<hr/>
<p>It seemed that the twins were, actually, telling the truth, and Bill was both furious and afraid. How could Dumbledore have kept this from everyone, even his precious Order? Yes, it was dark, dark magic; dark with a capital "D", as a matter of fact, and Will would be the first to admit that all and sundry shouldn't be told; it would just stir up fear in the rank and file, and it would alert He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named that someone had figured out his secrets. But why couldn't he have told a few people he could trust, (perhaps making them swear an Oath to keep it to themselves, so they couldn't go spilling it to any random person or, worse, to the Death Munchers). But to tell no one at all- that was asking for trouble. Dumbledore wasn't as young as he had been once, after all, and if he took the secret to his grave, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named might actually live forever, brought back whenever some heroic person tried to kill him. Not to mention that, while Dumbledore was certainly a powerful wizard, he was still fallible, and probably needed some help. And so it was that Bill Weasley decided to hunt down the horcruxes himself, with the help of a team of his cursebreaker colleagues and the left-over diary, which he had wheedled from Dumbledore stating some sort of lost Gringotts regulation.</p>
<p>Using the diary, he and his team made a horcrux-tracking device, finding them all in relatively short order, the ring, the locket (and a mad house elf, who tried to take away the locket screaming about "Good Master Regulus"), the diadem (Bill had been furious that such a beautiful and priceless artifact had been turned into a horcrux, but at least the cursebreaking ritual did not destroy it), the goblet (and <em>Merlin</em>, were the goblins ever furious; keeping a horcrux in Gringotts was against several treaties <em>and</em> goblin law) Voldemort's pet snake (Merlin, that monster was sick) and Harry Potter himself. That last required a bunch of complicated runic changes to the ritual to remove the horcrux, but after a few weeks of working around the clock they figured out how to do the ritual in a reasonably safe manner, although Bill was scared to death the entire time and had to go have a firewhiskey and an entire bottle of calming drought afterward. Bill shuddered to think of what might have happened if he had not been there; Dumbledore would probably have just injected the boy's scar with basilisk venom or contracted to have him Kissed by a dementor, for the Greater Good. That wasn't to say that Harry was not affected, but it was probably better that he be a little sick than that he be <em>dead</em>. The best part about it was, Dumbledore didn't even suspect! The phrase: "Gringotts' Business" could mean a lot of different things, after all...</p>
<p>So then it was that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (Voldemort, Bill reminded himself) was mortal, or at least as mortal as it was possible to make him (they had no way of knowing if he had undergone invincibility rituals or drank a gallon of felix felicis while they were off hunting bits of his soul, of course). Now all they had to do was figure out a plan for killing him.</p>
<p>The twins, however, apparently already had a plan. They wouldn't tell Bill what it was, so he had no way of knowing if it would actually work, but he was inclined to think that it would at least have some promise, simply because he had, himself, gotten hit with enough well-prepared pranks that they had made.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, said twins were finalizing their plans. They knew perfectly well that Voldemort would soon figure out that there was a traitor in their Inner Circle, and they knew that it would not look good for Professor Snape when that happened. Fortunately, however, they had a plan that would both save Snape, (unless Voldemort decided to cast a killing curse, of course, but they doubted that a traitor would be given a quick death) and, hopefully, see the end of the monster that had terrified the Wizarding World for so long.</p>
<p>It involved some specialized WWW tricks, a special magical button (to be sewed on Professor Snape's robes) and Harry James Potter. They convinced Snape to have said button sewn on by telling him that it was a one-time shield against most curses and (giving a devilish wink) insurance, just in case Voldemort attacked him, and, while it was pretty clear that the man was humoring them, he at least let them sew it on his Death Eater robes, where it sat there like just another button. Not that it wasn't a button, but it was so, so much more. The password was "Chaos."</p>
<hr/>
<p>Lord Voldemort had never been so very angry in his life, and he was actually rather unnerved, as well. Something was happening to his inner circle. At first, he had thought it was simply a little of the tension owing from the plot to take over the ministry, combined with his servants' natural viciousness. He had actually thought that it was quite amusing that Alecto Carrow and Rodolphus Lestrange had been having a torrid affair, judging by the dirty notes and love bites which the couple couldn't seem to hide, though they continued to deny their relationship. Alecto's possessive husband was furious at this, though, and had literally called a duel to the Third Blood in the middle of Riddle Manor before he apologized to his Lord and Master. Voldemort had, at the time, been actually rather amused, and had allowed the duel to go on (after crucioing Carduus Carrow for his forwardness). It would, after all, be a nice show, particularly as there had been no Dark Revels and no prisoners lately, and Nagini could eat whoever died. He had not been so amused when Alecto killed Rodolphus for killing her husband, though, before being herself cursed to death by Bellatrix, who, while not caring a whit for anyone except her Lord and Master, as it should be, still had her pureblood pride, which forced her to avenge her husband. And thus there were three of his Inner Circle dead in a single night!</p>
<p>Then came Crabbe and Goyle Sr's slow, humiliating illness, rendering them far too ill to attend the meetings, or indeed, to move more than a few feet from a lavatory at any given time. There was also the incident of Fenrir Greyback's sudden attraction to Bellatrix, who (taking offense to the beast's clumsy attentions) had literally Avada Kedavraed him after a comment which, although crude, should not have warranted such a harsh reaction, and Voldemort had actually been forced to punish her, his favorite of all his Death Eaters (awe and devotion, after all, was quite refreshing, even if he didn't care about her in a romantic way) since she had virtually ruined his chances at allying with Greyback's pack (which had been slim from the beginning) and by extension, the allegences of any other Dark packs or rogue weres. Then, too, it seemed that Nott had been afflicted with a curious and debilitating condition that involved him being entirely covered in purple spots, which disappeared within seconds of him stepping into St. Mungo's or within a foot of a Healer, only to reappear minutes later, and the otherwise-capable Rookwood had, only a week ago, literally walked into the auror office whimpering, stripped his sleeve, and told everyone who would listen that he was the Dark Lord's spy with the Unspeakables, as well as babbling out far more of Voldemort's secrets than he should have told him; he had certainly been killed for it, but when Voldemort looked over the auror records that McNair had somehow obtained for him, he discovered that the man had been drugged to the eyeballs and obliviated, so they didn't even know who to kill for forcing his defection.</p>
<p>Speaking of McNair, the man was driving him <em>mad</em> lately. He babbled on about anything and everything as though he had been fed a Babbling Beverage, and the last meeting he had had to crucio him twice and feed him a calming drought, and <em>then</em> gag him magically just to get the man to shut up, and no diagnostic had turned up results (nor would the effects of Babbling Beverage for an entire meeting unless he were being dosed at regular intervals throughout). Not to mention that his job at the ministry had laid him off until the mediwitches could figure out his "affliction", meaning that he was now useless as a spy, which would have been bad enough in the old days, but it was worse now, considering that McNair's special breed of "interrogation" was not necessary; since they were laying low at this time, there were so few prisoners that a regular Death Eater with a wand and enough sense and practice in Dark magic could do his job.</p>
<p>Then, only three days ago, Lucius Malfoy, his <em>other </em>most important spy in the Ministry, had been committed to St. Mungo's by his wife for his rather disturbing obsession with the white peacocks wandering his grounds; apparently he had literally followed them around and sometimes even tried to assault the creatures, earning himself a few scratches in the face until Narcissa found out how far the obsession ran and packed him off before he could cause a scandal.</p>
<p>Just yesterday, Yaxley had collapsed in the middle of the Death Eater meeting, apparently from a heart attack, only to be found hours later in the middle of the auror office, stripped entirely nude and with the word "DEATH EATER SCUM" painted in large block letters all along his body along with smaller writing listing all the crimes that he had committed in Lord Voldemort's noble service. It was getting absurd, and he was losing his followers far, far too fast.</p>
<p>The worst part was that he had no idea who the culprit was. There obviously <em>was</em> one; nothing just happened totally spontaneously like this- but there was nothing that pointed to any of his other Death Eaters, for all he crucioed them and rummaged through their feeble minds. Rowle was too loyal, Gibbon was too stupid, Pettigrew was a snivelling idiot, Snape was not one to just make such mischief and mayhem; he would more likely just use some sort of untraceable potion to kill them in silence and without being caught, while Dolohov's mind was too open to hide anything. But who else could get into his innermost sanctum and kill and incapacitate his Death Eaters with just as much ease as if they were so many ants?!</p>
<p>Voldemort was musing on this subject in fury and (although he would never admit it even to himself) fear, pacing his throne room, when he abruptly tripped over something thick and heavy in his path, and fell flat. With a hiss of total rage, he staggered to his feet and whirled around, ready to curse whatever he had stepped on into oblivion...and then he froze, the wand dropping from his nerveless fingers. It was Nagini. It was Nagini, and she was splayed out on the floor, coils cold and still in death, yellow eyes glassy and empty.</p>
<p>She was dead. She would never again talk to him in her quiet, reassuring hiss, never eat his prisoners for him, never coil languidly in his lap, letting him milk her venom, never curl up on his pillow when he was lonely or hiss threateningly at his Death Eaters until they cowered and remembered their place. Not to mention that, with her gone, he was one step closer to death, one step closer to oblivion, one step closer to the hell that the Catholic priests that tended Woolworth's orphanage always said that he was destined to go. He had lost not only his only friend, but a fragment of his soul that he had lovingly encapsulated in her, hoping to bind her closer to him and hoping also to stave off death. For the first time in his life, Lord Voldemort actually grieved. And, likewise for the first time, he was afraid. And then his fury exploded.</p>
<p>
  <em>"WORMTAIL!"</em>
</p>
<p>Peter Pettigrew came running in, slipping and sliding on the hardwood floor that occasionally showed through the thin, shabby muggle carpeting that Voldemort had never bothered casting "reparo" on. It was not as gratifying as it usually was to see him snivel and cower; Voldemort was, as always, disgusted with the creature, but there was no heat of pride that it was his power that reduced the man to a cowering pile of mush.</p>
<p>"Y-yes M-m-master?"</p>
<p>Merlin, he was disgusting.</p>
<p>"Your arm!"</p>
<p>Pettigrew flinched, then held out his left arm. Voldemort pressed one long, spidery finger to the dark tattoo and Called his Death Eaters. This would be a long night, but at the end of it, he would- hopefully- have his answers. And, hopefully, there would be someone for which there was conclusive evidence against him or her, so that he could have some stress relief.</p>
<p>There were several pops and cracks of apparation at that moment, as his pitifully thinned Inner Circle appeared at his call, robed and masked and kneeling at his feet. Voldemort looked over him, drinking in their fear like wine.</p>
<p>"Sssso," he hissed, purposely extending the word. "Which one of you will die tonight?" He had not wanted to do this himself, nor had he wanted to waste his stock of veritaserum, but he had to do this. He did not think that any of the remaining Inner Circle members was strong enough to occlude, but, then, he didn't want to leave any stone unturned. The wards on Riddle Manor were impeccable; the only wizards who could have gotten in to kill Nagini would have to be his own Death Eaters, unless a muggle <em>somehow </em>sneaked in and <em>somehow </em>managed to feed Nagini some sort of poison (because she had been in perfect health; nothing wrong with her- it had to have been poison...didn't it?) which would have been impossible even had a muggle known or cared about a magical snake and her possible demise. "Rowle. Come forward."</p>
<p>Rowle did, shaking visibly, and Voldemort pulled out the bottle of veritaserum and a muggle dropper and, forcing him to his knees with one hand in his hair, fed him the three drops and made him swallow it. Then he waited until the man had gone limp to let go of him and step back, hissing in anger as them man fell on his boot. He pulled his booted foot out from under the man and nudged him with the tip of it. The glassy eyes stared back at him with no expression or accusation; excellent.</p>
<p>"Who are you?" he asked impatiently, just to make sure the serum was working. In the background, he was just barely aware of his Death Eaters edging away from him in their terror, and fought to contain his sneer. All of them were so weak, so useless. Well, Severus wasn't useless, but Merlin, that man's mind was so <em>shallow</em>. It had, after all, not occurred to Voldemort just yet that the man was, rather than occluding to look as though there was a shield, occluding to make sure there seemed to be no shield at all.</p>
<p>"Thorfinn S. Rowle."</p>
<p>"Are you a Death Eater?"</p>
<p>"Yes."</p>
<p>"Rowle, are you loyal to me?"</p>
<p>"Yes," responded the man in a monotone.</p>
<p>"Do you know what caused Nagini's death?"</p>
<p>"No."</p>
<p>"Do you know what caused any of the other unusual occurrences lately?"</p>
<p>"No."</p>
<p>Voldemort unceremoniously kicked him aside (not so hard as to break anything; he still needed his minions) and then called the next inner circle member. It was the same. All the way, that is, until he reached Severus Snape.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Severus Snape," Voldemort hissed to the second-to-last Death Eater. "Come forward."</p><p>Snape hesitated. That, in itself, should have been cause for worry, but unfortunately Voldemort was too busy contemplating the punishment he would give the traitor when he had found him to notice the Potion Master's little tell. And then-</p><p>"Chaos."</p><p>Voldemort looked up in startlement at the seemingly random word; had Snape gone mad too?</p><p>He had not, as it seemed, for at that moment Voldemort felt the anti-portkey wards (rather more fragile than they should have been, as it turned out) tear, and then Snape disappeared, and Voldemort had approximately half a second to think 'damn the traitor' before all hell broke loose.</p><p>Three identical wizards(?) popped in, faces concealed by identical hot pink and lime green masks, and within half a minute the remaining six Death Eaters were flat on their backs, hogtied with magical ropes despite his lightening-fast curses and their own stuttering attempts at self defence- it seemed that perhaps dosing his last competent Death Eaters with veritaserum and mind-raping them might have been a bad idea, as only Pettigrew was currently able to function, and the snivelling rat seemed to have frozen in shock. Then two of them turned their masked faces towards him, while the other stayed back to guard the prisoners.</p><p>"Oi, Voldie!" yelled one, as Voldemort tried to hex them, apoplectic with fury. "How does it feel being the outnumbered one, for once?"</p><p>Voldemort shot off two bone-breakers, a cruciatus, and an entrails-expelling curse, but the twin terrors dived to each side, and none of the curses landed. An array of polychromatic hexes- nonlethal but inventive- peppered the air around him as he took a deep breath to cast again.</p><p>"That was rude," a (definitely male) voice said from behind one of the masks.</p><p>"What do you think, Forge, ought we to teach him a lesson?"</p><p>Three more incredibly dark curses exploded from Voldemort's wand, but they didn't make contact, and the two responded with their own volley, which, in short order, left Voldemort soaking wet, itching in inappropriate places, and in what seemed to be some sort of outlandish muggle dancing outfit.</p><p>"Reinforcements-"</p><p>"<em>Reducto!</em>"</p><p>"Are coming-"</p><p>"<em>Incarcerous!</em>"</p><p>"And even if they weren't"</p><p>"<em>Sectumsempra!</em>"</p><p>"You're still-"</p><p>"<em>Jugulum auratus!</em>"</p><p>"Going down."</p><p>The two continued to distract him, and that, in the end, proved to be his undoing, as, absorbed with the masked terrors, he did not notice his other opponent drawing what looked to be a muggle water gun out of an artificially extended pocket until-</p><p>"Go for it, Lee!" Shouted the wizard called "Forge". A jet of something that seemed, at first, like water drenched Voldemort. He ignored it, at least at first, in favor of trying to obliterate the insolent little imps who had caught him by surprise. Then his face and chest exploded in agony where the potion had touched him. A whimper of pain escaped him, and his wand slipped from nerveless fingers as he fell. And then he knew nothing more.</p>
<hr/><p>"Huh." George lowered his wand, turning around to stare at a stunned Lee Jordan. "That <em>was</em> love potion, wasn't it?"</p><p>"Yeah," Lee replied, equally puzzled, blinking at the super-soaker filled with love potion that he had in his hands. "I have no idea why that did that; I was just trying to get some in his mouth. Was it because most of it was on his skin? Or was he allergic or something?"</p><p>Fred poked the glittery slime which had been the most dangerous Dark Lord in British history with his boot. "I don't think it's a contact poison; I got my hand covered with it when I was brewing it, so I would be dead right now if that was what it was. Maybe it was some sort of side-effect of putting the potion in a plastic container?"</p><p>"We should just save some of this in a jar and ask Professor Snape about it later. We still have the rest of the Death Munchers to deal with, don't we?"</p><p>"Yeah." Fred removed his mask and went over to where the slowly-recovering Death Eaters were lying, amid the carnage that had resulted from their battle with Voldemort- rotten tomatoes, pink feathers and rhinestones, dungbombs, and a bag of Limitless Lemondrops that had somehow gotten mixed up with the ammo. "Speaking of Snape, where did you send him?"</p><p>"The Burrow. First friendly destination I could think of that didn't have anti-portkey wards."</p><p>"He's not going to be happy about that." George tried and failed to stifle a giggle. "We'll have detention for weeks."</p><p>"He's not dead though, and you can just bribe him with a basilisk eyeball or a kitsune toe or whatever you have hidden away," Lee pointed out. "Ready for plan Beta?"</p><p>George drew a handful of tacky aluminum badges out of his pocket (they'd been leftover from the Triwizard Tournament, but the twins had tracked down the Ravenclaw Draco had paid to make them and gotten her to change them to say "Courtesy of WWW" flashing block letters). He handed half to Fred and then set about attaching the remainder to each tied-up Death Eater in turn, (along with pink bows, in a moment of whimsy). Once the Death Eaters had badges stuck to them, Fred brought in Nagini (deader than a doornail, her yellow eyes slitted and dull) and stuck one to her too, along with the obligatory pink bow.</p><p>"I don't think Voldy is going to be able to be port-keyed," Lee broke in, still looking at the mixture of glittery goo oozing out of the dancing girl costume which they had magicked on the Dark Lord before his death. "He'll just break apart in transit."</p><p>The others gulped.</p><p>"Right. Let's just leave him for the aurors to deal with and get out of here before they send out a search party. You know Snape's gonna send in the legion as soon as Mum lets him go..."</p><p>"'Kay. 'Victory'!"</p><p>A series of asynchronous pops sounded as the remaining Death Eaters (and Nagini) were ported away into the Ministry Atrium. The three boys looked at each other, then attempted a three-way high-five.</p><p>"You got the fireworks?"</p><p>Lee Jordan hefted a large bag.</p><p>"Right, set them off and let's get outta here."</p><p>"Wait, weren't we going to collect some of the...uh..."</p><p>"Dark Slime? Do you want to touch that?"</p><p>George shook his head hastily. "You know, let's let the aurors take care of that, you know? We can have Snape look at the rest of the love potion- maybe it's tainted?"</p><p>They walked straight out the front door, after one last look at Voldemort's remains, and, once they were on the grounds, Fred cast an '<em>incendio</em>' on the entire bag of No-Scorch Fireworks, and a few moments left, the only things left on the scene were the house-elves, the peacocks, and the merrily sparkling fireworks that lit up the entire countryside for miles.</p>
<hr/><p>Severus Snape had known, on some level, that he would likely need a quick escape should the Dark Lord discover his treachery, but he had always assumed that he would just use the Order portkey, provided that he survived long enough to say the code word. But he had had to use his Order portkey for something else, earlier, and Dumbledore, in his infinite wisdom, had made the portkey one-time use only. So his only option (aside from hexing his way out or trying to apparate out through the formidable wards of Malfoy Manor) would be to use the portkey the twins had given him. He was doomed. Even if it <em>had</em> worked, he would likely end up covered in whipped cream or something, knowing the imbecile pranks that the twins always liked to pull. And while he wouldn't mind losing his dignity if it preserved his life, he did not particularly want some inanity foisted on him either. So it was with some surprise that he stood, blinking in the buttery yellow light of-</p><p>"...The Burrow? What in Merlin's name?" He had never actually been there, but it could not be anything <em>but</em> the Burrow, with the sprawling, homey ambiance and Mrs. Weasley's famous clock on the wall. At that moment, Molly Weasley entered the room, covered in flour and holding a half-greased baking dish. "Fred, George, what are you doing away from- Snape?"</p><p>"Yes," the dour man responded, still blinking. "My apologies, Messrs. Weasley gave me an emergency portkey." Merlin, he felt like he was trying to explain why he'd taken the last biscuit or something. "I did not expect that it would take me here."</p><p>"No worries, Merlin knows I am well used to Fred and Georges' pranks." It was then that she seemed to fully take in what he had said. "...<em>emergency</em> <em>portkey</em>?"</p><p>Severus wanted to backtrack, but did not know how to do so without fully losing face. "Yes. We had...something of an arrangement, as I refused to allow them to experiment without my supervision. I did not expect to use the portkey." He suddenly stiffened. "I must get back to Hogwarts immediately. Something says they've pulled some sort of stunt in my absence."</p><p>"Best to go along then," Molly Weasley said. "And tell them they'll hear from me once you've resolved whatever situation you have to clean up," she added firmly, retreating back to the kitchen to finish greasing her pan.</p><p>Severus muttered an "Of course" after her, left the Burrow, and disapparated.</p><p>It seemed that the twins had indeed pulled "some sort of stunt" in his absence, and Hogwarts was a total riot. Apparently the new acting Minister of Magic Lapidus Greengrass had showed up to ask Dumbledore for advice, as half a dozen Death Eaters in full robes, including a most definitely alive Peter Pettigrew, had been ported into the Ministry Atrium trussed up and with pink ribbon bows, and the press was everywhere trying to get statements. Narcissa Malfoy (apparently off visiting) had come back to find her Manor lit up inside and out with heatless fireworks and an 'inappropriate' mark hanging in the air, the inside trashed thoroughly and aurors swarming everywhere, and the Unspeakables had been called to investigate what had been a Dark Lord. Severus did not want to know. Actually he did, and he knew just where to find his answers, too. After he'd had a few firewhiskeys. And possibly a nap. And...Merlin, why had his arm stopped burning?!</p><p>Severus stepped aside hastily into an abandoned classroom and drew back his left sleeve. And stared. The Dark Mark was disappearing, the black ink leeching away until it was not more than a pale grey outline, which then disappeared completely. Right. He was definitely having those firewhiskeys.</p><p>It was several hours later before he finally gulped a sobering potion and began his hunt to find answers.</p><p>"Messrs. Weasley!" He barked, tearing open the door to the Gryffindor Common room amid the Fat Lady's cries of "Password?! You're not the Head of House!"</p><p>Two heads popped up from the corner of the room, while the other Gryffindors stared.</p><p>"Hello,"</p><p>"Professor,"</p><p>"How may we-"</p><p>"Help you?"</p><p>"What exactly did you do?" It was a fair question, especially considering that Severus knew that they had done <em>something</em>.</p><p>"I would like to know that as well," broke in another voice, and Severus turned to see Dumbledore behind him, no hint of a twinkle in his crystal blue eyes.</p><p>"What makes you think-"</p><p>"We did it?"</p><p>Severus had not patience for this. "You are dangerously close to losing more points for Gryffindor than there are poppy seeds in the Draught of Peace..." he began.</p><p>"All right all right, we'll tell you," Fred said, sounding put-upon.</p><p>"Listen up, kiddies, storytime." The twins graced the entirety of the Gryffindor Common Room with identical devilish smirks. "Voldie's dead."</p><p>"Caput."</p><p>"No more."</p><p>"Pushing up daisies."</p><p>"Gone and joined the choir invisible."</p><p>The silence was quite impressive. Only Severus, who had already known, and Dumbledore, who was looking quite troubled, showed any expression other than utter unadulterated shock.</p><p>"And it all started with the Pink Toady," George continued, grinning. "We made-"</p><p>"A slightly illegal potion-"</p><p>"Love potion-"</p><p>"Especially for her-"</p><p>"And it seems-"</p><p>"That Voldie-"</p><p>"Is allergic to it too."</p><p>If anything, the troubled look on Dumbledore's face increased. "Tom has dabbled in the darkest of magics," he said, for once seeming to decide to bestow his pearls of wisdom on the general populace. "A love potion would not be enough to kill him."</p><p>"Oh, we know that," Fred said, still with that devilish grin.</p><p>"Fortunately-"</p><p>"We had some cursebreaker help us out."</p><p>"He really is-"</p><p>"Stone dead."</p><p>The twin speak thing was really only adding to Severus's headache.</p><p>"I am afraid that there is a prophecy..."</p><p>"Knew you'd say that."</p><p>"Rather too late, as it happens."</p><p>"We already figured it out."</p><p>"Cause Harry's magic power-"</p><p>"Is his brothers. And our tag-along here."</p><p>"Hey!" Lee Jordan protested. "You couldn't have done it without me!"</p><p>"You helped, yes. So did a certain...acquaintance of ours..." George winked at Severus. "But anyway, the war's over and Voldie's gone."</p><p>"Deceased."</p><p>"History."</p><p>"Off the mortal coi-"</p><p>"Detention, Messrs Weasley, Weasley, and Jordan, and a hundred and fifty points from Gryffindor for pulling that stunt," Severus finally broke in. Just because they'd destroyed the most evil wizard since Grindelwald did not mean that they would get away with this stunt scot free, not by a long shot. A few stinking cauldrons might cool their heads a little.</p><p>"Now Severus..." began Dumbledore, who had astonishingly recovered from his shock, twinkle restored, at the news that the war was over.</p><p>Severus ignored him in favor of finishing "And two hundred points <em>to</em> Gryffindor for saving the Wizarding World."</p><p>The twin thumps of Fred and George Weasley hitting the carpet in dead faints was almost enough to alleviate the fact the Slytherin had likely once again lost to the lions.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Wow, it's been a long time. I am so sorry for the slow updates, but things like being unable to access my account on my phone and AP Chem have been slowing me down. However, it's Christmas break, so cheers, have an update or three!</p>
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